Answering the question, “Who in rich bitch hell works out on a treadmill on a yacht in the middle of the sea in Italy?”, Fishsticks Paltrow sweat off her lunch of imported Swiss air and white swan eyelashes before slipping her double dollop of GOOP drops into a white bikini and playing in the ocean with her daughter Nectarine, her son Hosea, her brother Jake, her godfather Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw. Unfortunately, Fishy didn’t fall off the yacht, develop a case of amnesia, get rescued by a trash boat and collected at the hospital by Kurt Russell who makes her take care of his boy brats, which teaches her a lesson about humility! Nope, that didn’t happen.
You know what else didn’t happen? SHARK ATTACK! That’s not surprising, though, because no shark is going to fuck with her. If a shark wanted to bite something long, hard, white and GOOPY inside, it would eat a whale’s dick since that shit doesn’t leave an aftertaste of cold pretentiousness.
And I hate myself for getting a 2-second tingle while writing “long, hard, white and GOOPY inside.”