Suri Cruise Has Some Competition

July 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Expert tummy tuckers, the most skilled uterus reupholsters from Germany, a tongue re-finisher to completely scrape all food particles from the mouth, a stylist specializing in hospital gowns and a nurse whose only job is to spritz champagne mist are all standing by waiting for Posh Beckham to gracefully sneeze out (via C-section, of course) Princess Beckham. Posh Beckham will give birth to Suri Cruise’s obvious rival any day now and she’s already got everything ready. And by “everything” I mean “FASHION,” of fucking course!

The Daily Mail is saying that Posh has already filled the closets of her unborn daughter (whose name will either be Élancé Pout or Juliet Queens Penelope) with designer clothes that are worth more than your internal organs and even a pair of custom-made Louboutin baby pumps complete with his signature red sole. They’re calling them “miniboutins.” And I think I just had a miniboubarf in my mouth. But for seriously….

If Posh could shit, she would shit in stilettos. If Posh could surgically implant stiletto bones into her heels, she would (and she’s looking into it… she’s waiting to hear from Switzerland) do it. So of course, Posh’s only daughter is going to crawl in Louboutins before she can even say Louboutins. Actually, that’s not true. I’m told that right after her birth, Princess Beckham will be flown by helicopter to a newborn speech therapist who will immediately teach her how to gurgle out the word “Louboutins” in case Posh happens to go mute, blind and hand-less and needs to communicate to the shoe salesperson at Saks that she wants everything with a red sole. This is the first thing every Beckham child learns in case of an emergency.

I really wish I was fly on Tommy Girl’s used dildo so I can witness for myself the wall-ripping, chandelier crashing, robot malfunctioning tantrum Suri Cruise is going to throw when she finds out that Princess Beckham will be the newborn queen of the high heel catwalk before her first birthday. I mean, Suri was a late bloomer and didn’t start working the heels until she was at least 2 or 3! I can already see a 6-month-old Princess Beckham killing hos in 6-inch heels while throwing Suri a silver spoon side-eye that says, “gooburpgagagooburp.” That translates into, “amateur, sit down,” by the way.

Here’s Becks hanging out with Prince William and Kate Middleton at some thing in L.A. yesterday. Becks told Prince William that Posh couldn’t make it because she’s tired. In Posh talk, “tired” really means “too fat for public viewing.”

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