You Can Leave The Hat On

July 8, 2011 / Posted by:

Yesterday was Prince William and Duchess Catherine’s second to last day in Canada and three major things happened: Will and Kate wore big ass white cowboy hats that were almost bigger than their big ass white molars, the fart from the wind pushed up Kate’s dress which almost revealed the “Property of The Queen” brand on her upper ass cheek and the rotten piece of bitter flesh in my chest nearly burped up a beat when Kate met with a young cancer patient. But first, the hat!

Prince William doesn’t do shit for me. Looking at him feels like getting teabagged in the eyes with a pair of wet, cold, used Earl Grey bags. My eyes make the same expression they’d make if I was eating a soggy crumpet out of a bulldog’s ass (cut to this face). But what do you know? Throw some Brokeback Mountain on his body and suddenly I’m neigh-ing like Camilla when Prince Charles comes prancing into the room dressed up like a Tampax Pearl. Don’t get me wrong, my genitals still pledge the allegiance to Prince Hot Ginge, but Prince William has got me rubbing my moustache (aka pubes) at this interesting development! He should just glue that hat onto his head, because it’s doing something right for him. Now on to the Kate and the young cancer patient….

6-year-old Diamond Marshall, who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year and lost her mother to the disease when she was 18-months-old, met Kate Middleton in Calgary with help from the Children’s Wish Foundation after she wrote this letter:

July 8th is the day it is revealed to me that a letter from a cancer patient on pink paper is my Kryptonite. Yes, you’ve got something in your eye. Just tell your co-workers that you’ve been shooting heroin into your eyeballs in the bathroom again. Or tell them your eyelids are sweating because you exhausted yourself from choking out a kitten earlier. You have a reputation to uphold!

And long before Pippa Middleton flies little Diamond to London and takes her to lunch to Princess Diana’s favorite restaurant?! Pippa will not be topped!

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