The News Of The World Stops Spinning

Where oh where am I supposed to feed my craving for sensationalized trash headlines about British reality stars, stoner royals and well aged placentas?!!!!! Evil media mogul Rupert Murdoch and his son James, who runs the company that publishes News of the World, announced today that the earth version of News of the World will be buried this weekend. Oh, at least The Sun is STILL there.

Rupert and James decided to lay off around 200 NotW employees, because readers and advertisers dropped like flies after we all found out that the tabloid allegedly hacked into the cell phone of a murdered teenage girl. Earlier this month, NotW apologized to Sienna Miller and handed over $164,000 in damages to her after they admitted to hacking her phone. They have also been accused of hacking the cell phones of dozens of other celebrities. If that’s not enough, police are also investigating claims that their officers were paid by the tabloid for information.

Rupert pet his fluffy white cat and cackled out this statement:

Recent allegations of phone hacking and making payments to police with respect to the News of the World are deplorable and unacceptable.

I have made clear that our company must fully and proactively cooperate with the police in all investigations and that is exactly what News International has been doing and will continue to do under Rebekah Brooks’ leadership.

We are committed to addressing these issues fully and have taken a number of important steps to prevent them from happening again.

Translation: “We won’t get caught again! Pinky swear!”

But fear not, minions of hell! Rupert Murdoch’s News of the Underworld will continue on without an interruption in service. In fact, the cover of this weekend’s edition will feature EXCLUSIVE and SCANDALOUS pictures of the devil giving free lap dances over the headline: “Our Girl Nancy Is Always Right!”