Natalie Portman gave birth to a future Harvard valedictorian, Nobel Peace Prize recipient, savior of the animals and Oscar-winning human almost a month ago and we haven’t heard one thing about any of them. No pictures of Natalie smiling next to her perfect human baby and the completed illustrated book report he did on Pride & Prejudice in his own drool for fun. No talk of how Natalie’s perfect human baby has already discovered the cure for cancer in his own piss. We don’t even know his name! We don’t know if she named him Natalie Portman’s Perfect Baby Portman-Millipied or Hebrew National Dijon Portman-Millipied. But when you don’t say shit, you can always count on your relatives to say shit for you.
One of Natalie’s cousins tells an Israeli newspaper (via ONTD) that she’s given her baby the name of:
Alef is “A” in the Hebrew alphabet and apparently also means leader.
How is it pronounced? Is it pronounced “a leaf”? You know, like the thing Natalie pulls from the tree in her backyard and nibbles on in the middle of the field with a side of sun-baked sprouts as the woodland creatures happily dance around her because she’s not eating their asses? Or is it pronounced “a lef.” You know, like what Natalie is going to scream out at nobody in particular when Benjamin eventually twirls out of her life to get with a hotter slut in a tutu? “OH MY GAW! Benjamin A LEF ME!!!” No, since this is Natalie’s baby, I’m pretty sure we have to pronounce it as: “our lord and savior.”
Anyway, the name Alef Millipied is so Natalie (see: pretentious as fuck) and surprisingly I don’t want to hiss at it. But maybe that’s because if you drop the “e” in Alef, you’ll have the name of a cat-eating hairy alien with a bread loaf nose.