I used to think that I wanted the IcyHot years of my life to based on Big Edie’s final days at Grey Gardens, but this picture of the honorable head bitch of glamour Little Richard has forced me to makes changes to that blueprint. THIS is what I want to look like. Hell, this is what we should all want to look like. Something tells me that there’s no feeling like the one you get when you roll into a room and everybody pulls out their paper fans to cool off the piping hot words “MISS HONAY YES” that come jumping off their tongues whenever they’re in your presence. There is no need to get up when Little Richard comes rolling into a room, because he doesn’t like to raise his precious head to watch your eyes turn diarrhea green with envy over his exquisite beauty.
Here are all the ingredients needed to be the forever debutante queen at the retirement community:
1. A poly blend wig bought on clearance at the local beauty supply shop that you cut with safety scissors before slathering with Brandywine wig gel. Lay that wig on your head the same way you lay down souls with a wink.
2. A coral scarf to hide the hickeys your admirers give you in rec room’s darkest corner. A true gentlemen never displays his sex souvenirs.
3. Using the leftover pieces you cut from your wig and a dab of Spanish Fly, make yourself a skinny moustache wig that’ll make El DeBarge jealous.
4. A grandmother of the bride reception suit, get one!
5. Oh, and when you’re getting that grandmother of the bride suit at Chadwicks, pick yourself up a grey leather handbag to beat bitch’s with.
6. Always keep a bottle of Fanta at your side. Make it your sidekick.
7. Bottom it all off with a pair of rhinestone boots. Nothing more needs to be said about that.
AND that’s how you do it!