Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have said before that they won’t put wedding rings on each other’s bony ass fingers until everybody can and so he’s patting New York state on the taint for opening the chapel door to gays and lesbians. At least, he says he’s celebrating it, but I take it more as a big, gigantic gulp. You know, a gulp that translates into: “6 down, 44 more to go and then I have to marry that bitch.” Here’s the statement Brad released to People:
“It is encouraging that New York has joined the movement to grant equal marriage rights to its citizens. But it is each American’s Constitutional right to marry the person they love, no matter what state they inhabit. No state should decide who can marry and who cannot. Thanks to the tireless work of so many, someday soon this discrimination will end and every American will be able to enjoy their equal right to marriage.”
Thank you for that, Billy Goat Brad. And another thank you (served inside of a sarcasm terrine) for not warning a bitch to get as high as humanly possible before stepping into the movie theater to see The Tree of Life. For serious. If you haven’t seen The Tree of Life and want to see it, learn from my mistakes and take yourself up, up and away before doing so. Smoke ten joints, bathe your nostrils in bath salts or lick the sweat off of a crackhead’s nuts! Just do whatever you can to put your mind in a place where watching MAC screensavers for 3 hours while listening to the Catholic Church’s hold music is a form of entertainment. I went in completely sober and I’ll never forgive myself for it. I had to count my pubic hairs with my fingers just to pass the time. Nobody around me noticed, because they were either: a) smart enough to get high and were mesmerized by the leftover Planet Earth clips or b) they were asleep.
So thanks for the words about gay marriage, Brad! But fuck you for not putting a label the reads “WARNING: Do not watch while in a state of soberness” on The Tree of Life poster.