Charlene Wittstock Really Didn’t Want To Marry Prince Albert’s Whore Ass

July 4, 2011 / Posted by:

As us Americans celebrate our independence from the aliens (or whoever, I was dozed off during that part of National Holiday class) today, Princess Charlene of Monaco is mourning the loss of hers. We’ve already heard about how days before Charlene Wittstock married Prince Albert, she got her passport taken away when she tried to flee to her native South Africa. But now the media is saying that Charlene tried to quit that bitch not once, not once, but three times.

A source tells the French newspaper Le Journal du Dimanche (via Metro) that Charlene even crawled off to the South African embassy in Monaco to beg them to hide her in a laundry basket and wheel her far far away from Prince Albert, but they shook their heads no. When Charlene was caught trying to escape for the third time, Prince Albert made her some kind of offer, which she agreed to.

‘Several sources have even confirmed that an arrangement was reached between the future bride and groom.’

The couple are due to fly to South Africa on honeymoon on this week, presenting Charlene with her best chance yet of escaping Monaco.

Prince Albert faces a DNA test over claims he fathered a third illegitimate child, the palace confirmed.

A royal official said that both the illegitimate children were kept away from Albert’s marriage so as to avoid ‘media exposure.’

Even though Prince Albert’s shooting secret love children out of his peen like he’s a proud graduate of Lil’ Wayne’s anti-condom university, none of them can claim the throne because they were birthed out of wedlock. So some hos are saying that Prince Albert wants Princess Charlene to give birth to the next king or queen of Monaco before he unlocks her handcuffs.

The royals in Monaco don’t do shit, right? They just put on a prince and princess costume and wave at their subjects from a balcony? They have about as much ruling power as the prince charming dildo I’ve had my eye (and other parts) on. So imprisoning a South African woman because they believe she will give them the perfect-looking heir apparent is taking this monarchy shit way too seriously. Monaco should just do what Disneyland does when they need a fake prince to wave at their guests from a balcony: hold a casting call and hire the prettiest gay with the shiniest hair and whitest teefs! And they only have to pay him with minimum wage and a couple of free guest passes.

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