“Stay In The Car, Bitch!”

A long time ago I was dating this total asshole who was hotter than me in all ways, drove a better car, was liked by all, made more money, had nicer towels, was never the recipient of an EWWW face by a nurse when he took off his clothes for an exam and was basically the kind of piece of shit who could anything he wanted by winking and flexing his perfectly shaped 8.5″ peen. I truly believed that he was only dating my ass, because he made a bet with his friends that he could transform me into winning Mr. Gay West Hollywood or some other kind of beauty pageant. I should’ve known something was amiss when he took me shopping and made me try on a bunch of outfits at a rapid speed to a Roy Orbison song. Anyway….

One weekday afternoon, we were driving around his immaculately detailed BMW when he got a call from his office that they needed him to stop by and sign a few things. A look of fear, not unlike the one Mel Gibson makes when he accidentally drives into a Hasidic community, plastered across his face and he swallowed hard like his saliva was made of nails. We drove to his office in silence and he told me it was only going to take him less than 10 minutes so I should just wait in the car. Bastard parked way too far from the office,took the keys and skipped off toward the building.

As I sat there like an overheated dog waiting for its owner to return, I realized that I had been dating the bitch for three weeks and I had only met one of his friends and never stayed the night. That’s also when I looked at the building and noticed they had an air-conditioned lobby and waiting room. THIS BITCH didn’t want his co-workers to know that he was waving his Adonis dick in the face of a homely, skinny gay with bad highlights! I should’ve stomped in there and caused a scene, but I really wanted his eighth world wonder wang to stomp on my b-hole later on in the night, so I kept my lips shut. Sigh. It was one of the only times in my lifetime that I regretted being a dumb slut with no self-respect.

Well, that’s basically what Jennifer Aniston did to Justin Theroux at last night’s Horrible Bosses (aka The Workplace Bad Teacher) premiere in L.A. The paps say that Justin stayed in the car while Aniston worked the carpet. Once she was done, Justin slid in through the backdoor to sit with her in the theater. This move actually surprised me a bit. Jennifer wants the world to know that she’s finally got a man! So I figured that a completely clothes-less Justin Theroux would show up wearing only a naked Jennifer Aniston frontpack that attached to his peen. That Aniston! Always full of surprises!

Here’s more pictures of all the hos who got to show their faces while Justin had to hide his in the car: Aniston, Chelsea Handler, Joey with Andrew Lawrence, Alyssa Milano, Jason Bateman with Amanda Anka, Jenna Elfman with some elf and Jason Sudeikis.