Memaw Don't Play!!!
Nothing comes between a HONGRAY granny and her morning bacon, not even 9 year old little kids!! The Smoking Gun reports that Marilee Ann Kolynych caught a case of the NOT THE ONE when her 9 year old grandson "ate too much bacon at breakfast" and had to open up an Ensure sponsored can of WHOOP ASS!!
According to the Clifton Heights Police Department, Kolynych chased the boy out in to the yard, tackled his ass to the ground and sat on him while spraying a water hose in his face. Bitch don't play. The boy finally broke loose of memaw's claws of death, ran across the street to a neighbor's house and called his mother.... WHO WAS IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT OF THE MEMAW'S HOUSE!!! Granny is free on bail awaiting a July 7th hearing.
You know, when I was kid my memaw would make me go "fetch a switch" from a tree so she could beat my ass with it. Deciding whether to get a thin branch or a thick branch was the torture. A thick branch is a total BEAT. DOWN. and a thin branch sliced through your ass like buttah... I think I would have rather had the hose!!!!
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Of COURSE this happened in Clifton Heights!
I bet 10-1 this isn't the entire story....of course it never is.
jack-n-the-hat, nice work this week ya sleazy one eyed bearded bastard!
Submitted by Meatblocks on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 12:16pm.
suckandfuck and raul are like the goofus and gallant of sick humor.
the best.
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I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.
Jeez stick to meemaws getting revenge on peepaws and not kids.
my mother: would give me and my 3 siblings a belt across the ass my father(deceased): exactly the same
@EveryStrangersEyes, Nope, mama wasn't into the Shake and Bake or crispy coating. No shrapnel to report, or my brother would have seen some collateral damage. Now my pops is alone to fend off her high powered food assaults. Woman's got an arm on her. Like your avi, BTW.
Oh Dave:
Absolutely agree with you.
I just want to say thank you to CatholicSchoolGirl for your post, too. All is really okay, now, it was a good thing to break ties w/ my father. ♥CSG
this is child abuse. usually I go for the meemaw ver the brat but spraying water in his face sounds like Guantanamo treatment. Plus, having this related to him eating too much? This is some sick abuse.
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http://twitter.com/#!/burning_plastic
Submitted by hotpocket on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 8:38pm.
My mom hit me with a chicken drumstick from across the living room one time. My brother and I couldn't stop laughing. I also threw a burrito at an ex-boyfriend a few years ago, and that's when I realized I was perpetuating the cycle of food violence. Haven't thrown any meals since.
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HAHAHA!!!... i've gotta ask... was the drumstick breaded?... ya know, i want to know if there was shrapnel involved!LOL!
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
My mom hit me with a chicken drumstick from across the living room one time. My brother and I couldn't stop laughing. I also threw a burrito at an ex-boyfriend a few years ago, and that's when I realized I was perpetuating the cycle of food violence. Haven't thrown any meals since.
memawing at its finest.
my grandparents all lived in europe, so no beatdowns ensued during the once a year visits.
my mom is the master of throwing whatever was around ...thankfully her aim sucked most of the time, laughing at her only got her more pissed. pops on the other hand rarely got angry enough to beatdown, but the coupla times he did....he was a fan of the original weapon: his bare hands. his usual punishment was to give the silent treatment for like a week.
funtimes :/
How much is too much? I realize math isn't one of Jack's strengths but numbers man, numbers!
This is honestly the stupidest thing that I've ever read. Not the report, just IT. Bacon fights? Fer f*ck's sake.
dcgirl, I was just saying the exact thing to my husband. If more parents tried to discipline their kids instead of being their best friend, we would encounter alot less self-entitled assholes under 20...
And although i got my ass beat quite a bit, i never considered myself physically abused. It was parenting, plain and simple.
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 6:30pm.
MK's admiration for physically-abusive grandparents is somewhat disturbing. But again, so is this entire blog.
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Dirk - Jack wrote the blog but I know what you mean about MK's writing about physical grandparents. I don't think it's admiration for physical abuse tho, I think he's recognized that a large majority of his readers experienced the same thing and since the past can't be changed, laughing about it (or mocking it?), at least gives back some control. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and should shut up.
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 6:30pm.
MK's admiration for physically-abusive grandparents is somewhat disturbing. But again, so is this entire blog.
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Yeah, but some might say there's a strong correlation between rising youth crime and the drop-off in caring MeeMaws whooping ass.
Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:53pm.
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:43pm.
LOLZ - are you from the South?
North Carolin all the way.
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Mike, I'm originally from the southside of Chicago, so the southern US seemed as foreign to me as another country. Although I have to admit I envied the mint julep and fabulous fascinators worn at the Kentucky Derby, if you wore a hat like that in my neighborhood, people would consider you either 'full of yourself' or 'speshul'. Interestingly enough (well, I guess if you're interested in stupid stuff like I am), I've heard from several relatives who've moved east that Pittsburgh, Jersey and Boston (but not the rest of that "sissy state" LOL) are very similar in attitude to that of Chicago.
Anyhow, it seems like backhanding a kid over a minor food episode reaches across all socioeconomic strata, much like Mrs. Brady's episode contracting crabs.
*end of Soc 101 observations*
Sounds like my paternal grandma. She was a bitch.
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"Go away, woman. My cheating medicine will not help you. Even if you win you will still be ugly." ~~ Christopher Moore, Coyote Blue
My German grandmother never rasied a hand toward me. My Kurdish one however used to beat the shit out of me and my brother for anything. Once when we were staying with her in Turkey we didn't want to wake up to do chores at 4:30am so she dumped water on us and as we ran down the stairs she threw shit at us. We would out run her cause she was fucking old. But a few hours later when we sat down for lunch she would slap us across the face and say in her filthy third world gutter speak "YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT?" My dad had scars on his arms from that womans disciplinary methods .
Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 6:30pm.
MK's admiration for physically-abusive grandparents is somewhat disturbing. But again, so is this entire blog.
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That's jack....and somehow that makes it more disturbing....
♥ Threadkilla!
Girls watch porn too!:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6478389/girls-watch-porn-too
MK's admiration for physically-abusive grandparents is somewhat disturbing. But again, so is this entire blog.
oops
Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 6:02pm.
*points water hose at WTF*
I got too distracted to read beyond seeing the last name. I keep reading it as 'colon itch'
Damn kid must hog all of the food if he can get his ass caught by a meemaw.What self respecting 9 year old kid gets caught by an old lady. A bacon eating old lady who probably has clogged arteries from a lifetime of bacon eating. Pathetic.
Submitted by dcgirl on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 6:04pm.
The further you go east in the State, the more it's like the Deep South (both in terms of looks and social customs).
Submitted by christine the hoff on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 4:26pm.
I always had a death wish and asked for it....my sis and I were just talking about this.
Dad
"ONE MORE PEEP OUTTA YOU, JUST ONE MORE PEEP!!!"
Me.
"PEEP!!!"
Hey, CTH, you aren't my sister are you? My sister and I used to do this constantly! My mother was very mild-mannered while I was growing up, however she'd lose her mind when we "Peeped". Now my nieces and nephews do it whenever my sister says it and my mom just laughs and laughs. Coincidentally, my mother is called NoNo by her grandkids (it started as Nana, but evolved into NoNo because of her constantly saying "No no" to my nephew), as in MK's bum.
Submitted by dcgirl on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:54pm.
Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:39pm.
You know the old saying about, NC, right? The further east you venture, the further South you go.
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Truthfully, I've never heard that saying and my mother was from North Carolina and I've got extended family there. Guess I'm slow because I don't get it.
*calls Child Services on entire damn thread*
Must have been one out of shape nine-year-old if he couldn't out run old MeeMaw. Maybe he always eats all the food.
Submitted by dcgirl on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:54pm.
Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:39pm.
Now their housekeeper Beulah (who'd been my mother's mammy) was the one I had to watch out for.
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"Mammy." That's a term I haven't heard used in decades. Where were you raised, a former Mississippi plantation?
Well, that's not a term I ever used (I called her Miss Beulah), but it was the term my mother used in her girlhood.
I'm from eastern North Carolina. You know the old saying about, NC, right? The further east you venture, the further South you go.
Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:39pm.
Now their housekeeper Beulah (who'd been my mother's mammy) was the one I had to watch out for.
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"Mammy." That's a term I haven't heard used in decades. Where were you raised, a former Mississippi plantation?
Well, Jack's written a headline that is sheer poetry. :)
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:43pm.
LOLZ - are you from the South?
North Carolin all the way.
Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:39pm.
My maternal grandparents were the coolest (they had me making martinis for them before I was ten - and they had exacting standards). Now their housekeeper Beulah (who'd been my mother's mammy) was the one I had to watch out for. She'd never hit you; her method of discipline was to scare the shit out of you with some arcane Bible story, or one of her tales of ghosts or demons. She had me scared of my shadow for a time.
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LOLZ - are you from the South?
Submitted by ewe on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 4:25pm.
Coincidentally, if someone asked me to get a switch now, I'd be out and back in 5 seconds flat.
*dying*
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"if you're not wearing a shirt in your main facebook photo, you look like a douchebag. only trying to help you." (Brian Cano, SF, CA)
Submitted by mike on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:39pm.
My maternal grandparents were the coolest (they had me making martinis for them before I was ten - and they had exacting standards). Now their housekeeper Beulah (who'd been my mother's mammy) was the one I had to watch out for. She'd never hit you; her method of discipline was to scare the shit out of you with some arcane Bible story, or one of her tales of ghosts or demons. She had me scared of my shadow for a time
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Mike! Hands down, best granny story!! Hehehe..do they ever sound cool. :)
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En mon bonheur
My grandmother never physically abused, just mentally. And she was the Grand Cunt Champion at it.
My maternal grandparents were the coolest (they had me making martinis for them before I was ten - and they had exacting standards). Now their housekeeper Beulah (who'd been my mother's mammy) was the one I had to watch out for. She'd never hit you; her method of discipline was to scare the shit out of you with some arcane Bible story, or one of her tales of ghosts or demons. She had me scared of my shadow for a time.
Submitted by EvilPopTart on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:11pm.
Submitted by boredasfuckyo on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:05pm.
My dad wonders why I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years, sorry, but I'm kinda over your mind games and yanno what? I actually needed to eat, that man would ask me in the middle of dinner, "Are you done yet?" I would always oblige, and give him my plate. Still feel guilty eating, even though I pay for mah own food, now!
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EvilPT - go get yourself a triple hamburger with everything, large fries, and chocolate shake, then chow down and ENJOY! Parenting styles are so different, random and wierd - my mom would screech about the starving kids around the world if I didn't clean my plate, so I would eat every scrap just out of guilt, even if I was full.
I remember my best friend in 6th grade telling me that her dad pulled the "Finish your brussel sprouts, there's starving kids in China who would kill for that meal" line with her, so she responded "Well then box this crap up and send it to 'em". She was rewarded with a backhand that had her seeing double. Ahhh, childhood...
Submitted by joe shmoe on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:14pm.
LOL. My great grandmother was like that. Except, she'd always greet me with a punch in the arm. Clever little thing always kept one knuckle protruding. Even at 97 she had one hell of an upper right jab.
I never got hit by any grandparents. Of course they had all died before I was born.
My grandmothers never spanked me...that was left to my mom or dad to do. It was either the plastic paint stirrer, a wooden spoon or my dad's belt. None of which were any fun.
Grandpa gave us knuckle sandwiches though. LOL
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"If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy!"
Aww, I don't have a beating story about my paternal granny. Her name was Alice and she was as gentle and sweet-natured as they came. She was always stuffing cakes and lollies down my throat and telling me how beautiful and brainy I was.
Ahhh *wistful*..good times.
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En mon bonheur
Submitted by boredasfuckyo on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 5:05pm.
My dad wonders why I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years, sorry, but I'm kinda over your mind games and yanno what? I actually needed to eat, that man would ask me in the middle of dinner, "Are you done yet?" I would always oblige, and give him my plate. Still feel guilty eating, even though I pay for mah own food, now!
Submitted by mbar on Fri, 07/01/2011 - 4:08pm.
God, you people had abusive grandmas.
My grandma was cool; however, one time when I was six I fell of my bike and she shouted her head off at me. I haven't ridden a bike since.
I'm now in my mid-20s, with a terrible fear of getting on bicycles. The last time I tried (8+ years ago) I just froze; pushed the pedal once; lost control; crashed into a hedge.
"You never forget how to ride a bike". <--- pish.
ha ha as soon as I saw the headline I knew it was a jacko post
*high fives EEG*!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
lls @ "Ensure sponsored can of WHOOP ASS!!" I too got the switch from my family down South. The belt is a fucking pillow compared to a switch!
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*~*ღ ✾✻ mymorningstory.com ✻✾ ღ*~*
Isn't child abuse just hilarious...good lord :|
My grandmother use to do horrid shit to my mother. That woman is an evil piece of shit and I would piss on her grave when the time came. Horrid excuse, and I can't even stand kids. I will admit I grew up raised by a decent woman (neither my mother or my mother's mother raised me thank goodness), and I should have gotten a few more slaps on the behind than I've gotten, but in the end, I turned out okay for the most part x_x... But holy crap, what you guys experienced is just fuckin brutual.
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Please get the fuck out ---->
My grandmother used to slap me on the back, off to one side. Sounds harmless, but it stung like hell. My grandfather used to wear her wigs for laughs. She also always had like 40 loaves of bread in a chest freezer out in the garage. I always wondered what she was hiding underneath them. Ahh, memories...