ESCANDALOSO!!!!!! (Not Really)

July 1, 2011 / Posted by:

Long before January Jones’ womb was filled with a half ice cube and half question mark love child, supermodel Linda Evangelista would put her finger up to her mouth whenever anybody would ask her who the father of her 4-year-old son Augustin James is. Well, (read in a booming Detective La Toya Jackson whisper) the identity of Augustin’s biological father has been revealed!

Linda sashayed into a NYC court room yesterday morning, struck a million dollar pose in front of the court and said that her son’s father Francois-Henri Pinault, the billionaire CEO husband of Salma Hayek, and she have not yet agreed to a child support agreement. 2006 must have been the Year of the Fertile Sperm for Francois-Henri, because he also has a 4-year-old daughter with Salma Hayek. (Note: This is your cue to slowly fall back into your chair with your mouth open while tapping the word “SCANDAL!!!” out in Morse Code with your eyelashes. Or it’s your cue to slowly fall back into your chair to take a nap. Either response to this story is perfectly acceptable.)

The New York Post reports that yesterday was Linda’s fourth time visiting family court. Francois-Henri wasn’t there, because his lawyers thought they were doing a phone conference instead. Franci’s lawyer went on to explain, “We had understood that it was to be a brief, telephone conference, to bring Magistrate Troy up to date on what the status was.”

This more like a lower-case scandal, because Linda and Franci made Augustin in early 2006 when he was on a break from Salma.

Anybody who cares about this should’ve known that Franci is Augustin’s daddy, because that boy basically looks like his father in a Suri Cruise wig. And Linda once said that she won’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day, so I really hope Franci knows that Augustin is just like his mother and won’t push out a fake “I love you” during visiting days for less than $10,000 a syllable!

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