When Olivia Wilde ended her marriage to that Italian royal dude, the story went that she did it because she got married to young and really wanted to put a few more hundred miles on her vagina’s odometer. You know, live out her ho shit phase of life. Most of us nodded our heads in approval, because if there’s one thing I know it’s that when I close my eyes on life, my last thought will be: “Damn, I wish I would’ve sucked more peen.” (< --- Engrave that into my dick-shaped tombstone.) Olivia was going at it hard there for a while. Olivia dabbled in a little Ryan Gosling, scooted her chocha over some Justin Timberlake and then wrapped her legs around the necks of hos whose names I forget (and so does she).
But then a little birdie (and by birdie I mean publicist) started whispering ideas into Olivia’s head and she took a turn down Renee Zellweger Way. That’s when Olivia took a shower in glue, rolled in freshly cut beard hair on the barber’s floor and hung out with Bradley Cooper for a second. It didn’t last long and I figured that Olivia would be back to carrying out her slutbbatical mission, but now People is saying that she was “casually flirting” with Jake Gyllenhaal the other night. Yes, THAT Jake Gyllnehaal. The Jake Gyllenhaal that frolicked
A source type says that at Chateau Marmont the other night, Olivia and Jakey were very “touchy-feely” with each other. Olivia HAHAHAHAed at his jokes, but she she played it cool. The witness goes on, “At one point, he had his hand on hers. Olivia was very cool and wasn’t fawning over Jake but seemed to like the attention he was giving her.”
After Olivia and Jake’s half-a-canoodle display they went their separate ways.
Olivia! What are you doing?! You have a mission and that mission is to introduce your coochie to as many dicks, nutsacks and man tongues as possible! This is not going to happen with Jakey. Your mission isn’t to lick on heart-shaped cappuccino foam from as many coffee shop mugs as possible. If that was your mission, then Jakey would be the one to help you achieve it. I mean, do you really want to be the girl who Jakey tickled under an apple tree after he tickled Taylor Swift under an apple tree? Exactly. Dick now, heart-shaped cappuccino foam later.