Tom Ford would like you to know that if a tiny human was ever lucky enough to find itself suckling liquid gold out of his cashmere-covered tete stud (that’s “nipple” to us non-fashion deities out there), he will never push his baby in a stroller made by Fameswhores ‘R Us down the ho stroll. Tom will keep his child hidden form the public. You know, it would be like Rapunzel but with luxurious clothes, a sultry 70s soundtrack and NO FATTIES! Tom Ford puckered this out to Time Out Hong King (via The Cut):
“If I have children, no one will know about it until the child is born. And no one will ever see the child because I certainly wouldn’t use it as a press tool. If I have a child, you’ll see and notice that I had a child. Maybe you’ll see it when it’s 18, but I will keep it out of the spotlight. I wouldn’t use it as a press tool, as some people I know, have, recently.”
The piece of zombie hyde wrapped around Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe’s cheek bone must be smelling like musky disdain and ostrich leather, because Tom Ford has just slapped her with his glove and walked away.
Tom’s lips are saying that he will keep his baby locked away in a mirrored and mink tower because he doesn’t want to use it (I love when hos call babies “its“) to summon the spotlight, but we all know the real reason why. Most babies are short in the legs, hairless in the face and don’t know the difference between Beluga and Osetra caviar. Tom Ford cannot be seen with an uncouth ruffian like that! Tom Ford’s baby needs ample amount of time to marinate in sophistication and develop a perfectly manicured beard that is refined enough to pass for The Queen’s merkin.
And here’s Chupa taking Chupa Jr. out for a press tour the other day. Chupa Jr. thanks Tom Ford for throwing shade his way.