Programming Note: Welcome Dlisted's Guest Bloggers For The Week!
The bad news is that the guest bloggers are not international supermodel Phoebe Price and her sidekick dog Henry. Chicken Cutlets' daily schedule is already filled to the top with risking her life (if she queefed, that 76 would explode into the heavens) by posing with a gas pump at various Los Angeles-area gas stations. The good news is that the guest bloggers are two Dlisted commenters! But before we get into introductions, let me explain myself.
This week, my mom and auntie are visiting all the way from California. My mom has been to New York a million times and her idea of a vacation is sitting on my couch while lecturing me on everything from my diet ("You should drink grape seed extract in distilled water instead of sugar milk with a splash of Sanka in the morning") to my exercise regime ("You should walk on the treadmill 20 minutes a day instead of walking your fat, bloated fingers along the remote for 4 hours a night!") Yes, my mother's dream in life is to be Dr. Oz's assistant of the day. Anyway, that's my mom's idea of a dream vacation, but thankfully for me it's not my auntie's.
My auntie wants to see all the shit that the tourists want to see. And I've agreed to be her guide! You know, because I'm so good at that. I'm so good at standing in a crowded elevator at the Empire State Building and loudly saying: "I've lived in New York City for almost 10 years and I've never been to the Empire State Building! Isn't that funny. Again, I've lived here for TEN WHOLE YEARS. A DECADE. That's 3,650 days if you aren't familiar with the years measurement. Isn't that crazy? Living in New York City, New York for TEN YEARS and never going to places that only tourists who don't live in New York City, New York go! You know, because I'm not a tourist so it would kind of stupid for me to go to tourist places without relatives like you who are tourists. Oh, is that my phone ringing? It's probably my New York City accountant who is calling to remind me to pay my New York State taxes next April because I'm a resident of New York City."
So yeah, I'll be doing a lot of that and won't be covering the status of Kim Kardashian's bleached asshole as much. But fear fucking not, two escapees from the Dlisted comment asylum will have you covered! And they are:
Sweetas - Sweetas in Latin does not stand for "sweet ass" as you might expect. It stands for "pickled anus," because she's as funny as she is drunk.
Jack-N-The-Hat - Jack hails to us from the wonderful state of The Fuck If I Know. Jack's Dlisted name always reminds me of Jack in the Box, which reminds me of a Sourdough Jack. And just like a Sourdough Jack, this Jack is full of processed meat, covered in bread and will give you the hard shits if you swallow him too fast. But Jack is the classier Jack in the Box, because he's got a hat instead of a box. If your pussy is too good, refer to it as a "hat" instead of a "box." The term "box" is only reserved for bougie pussies.
Sweetas and Jack be here all week! I'll also be posting in the morning and sometimes throughout the day, but they'll cover most of the hard hitting stories (see: Kim Kardashian's bleached asshole). Please give them the love and respect you give me on a daily basis. And yes, by "love and respect," I mean a lot of boos, made up coupons for Grammar School and pictures of kittens and peens (But not pictures of kitten peens, because that would just be over the line! Or would it?).
• 
Good morning, Leenie!!! Do you remember where I put my pants?
Welly well well. This is mexcellent! You all know how I loves me some Jack in the Hat! And Sweetas, you one funny bitch! This is going to be fun.
OOOH! A dirty one!
Metta SweetJackin!
*chanting as always*
Good luck, guys! :D
I guess roadkill possum will be tomorrow's hot slut of the day...
Metta AssJack
*chanting as always*
Haters gonna hate, Goldshift
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
AssJack!
*chanting as always*
Submitted by Goldshift on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 7:42am.
at least its not M.E. and suckandfuck. its only 6:32 AM and I've already had my recommended dose of ASSHOLE for the week.
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WE ALL KNOW YOU'LL GET MORE THAN YOUR FILL FATTY
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Enjoy MK, its about time you took a long deserved vacation. Congrats to Sweetas and Jack two of the nicest, funniest posters around here. Now make us laugh!
at least its not M.E. and suckandfuck. its only 6:32 AM and I've already had my recommended dose of ASSHOLE for the week.
I always enjoy Jack and Sweetas' comments, so this should be fun! Good luck you horz!
So we should all pat our taints to let it know that we care. - MK
Submitted by jazzfish_77 on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 7:41am.
OK, people, we need a celebrity name for this lovely new couple: Jack and Sweetas! As-hat? Jackas? Jack-in-Sweetas?
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J A C K A S (S)
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
OK, people, we need a celebrity name for this lovely new couple: Jack and Sweetas! As-hat? Jackas? Jack-in-Sweetas?
Sweetas! I expect to see way more peen posts this week!
LUCIFER mah dahling - the trolls drove me away, but I'll fucking fight for my place under the bridge now!
Well have fun then MK, but I'm hurt that I wasn't asked to guest blog. LOL
Congrats guest bloggers. You got big croc's to fill!
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 7:36am.
Sweetas & Jack-N-The-Hat
Who are these people?
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probably ghays.
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
SFRB <3 We are now but ships passing in the night.
Haha with the tryna look cool with the fambly, MK, aint gonna happen. Specially if Hekki finds you!
Mines is visiting also, and I get to go to Ben & Jerry's with mah milk allergy.
*Moons Jacko and SweetASS*
*chanting as always*
Yay! MK picked two great commenters to write! How cool is that??!!!
Sweetas & Jack-N-The-Hat
Who are these people?
LOL! Bjork You - I had to revisit my thoughts there. I believe that I AM a jealous hater!
What I would give for the wonk that would give me BETTER THAN PERIPHERAL VISION!? I'd love to be like a chameleon whose eyes move independently of each other! I cold also save the whole rainforest by sitting on it and sucking it into my fishy oblivion... If i were... PAAARRRRIIISSSS...
But for real doe - I LOVE Phoebe and I feel protective over her. I believe she's a sweet person w/o a mean bone in her body! She loves being herself and is actually fucking BEAUTIFUL!
:-)
I suppose that since the gay marriage law was passed in NY MK isn't wasting anytime trying to convince *coughstalkcough* his Silver Fox.
Congrats to Sweetas and jack, and for the record, Sweetas does mean Sweetass, I have licked her.
Submitted by SugarFreeRedBull on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 7:25am: "BJORK! Phoebe doesn't hold stock in Valtrex, and she's also been spared about 11 other STD's that are currently eating up the corroded hilton cooch"
That's a very mean thing to say! Paris Hilton is a hardworking ho, I mean girl, and it's haters like you that try to keep her down. I'm going to tell her mommy, Kathy Hilton, what you wrote. You are in big trouble now.
OMG SUCKY *dies laughing*
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
Snowy, I'm messing with you
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
LOLOLOLOL@SUCKYTHEIJIT!
@Snowy, yes, he is. FURIOUS; no chance of forgiveness
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
DON'T DELETE MY COMMENTS. I'LL SUE.
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
ENUFF!!! Write about how the world's gonna end now that Charlie Sheen has no GODDESSES
WHAT ARE WE GONNA READ ABOUT THIS WEEK JACK? HOW MANY NEWLY MARRIED GAY COUPLES YOU RAN OVER WHILE DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE?????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
He is , Leenie?!?! :(
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
@MK - when are you gonna come back to California so you can call the cops on me for stalking?
I'll bring lots of chili-dipped watermelon candies, and my night-vision goggles.
I just rolled outta bed... a couple of BC powders and 7 beers and I'll be good to go.
MK - Thanks for the opportunity and hope you have a great time with your family. (translated, thanks for puttin this shit off on us...!!)
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Anyone can get screwed, its not rocket science.
Submitted by kate773 on Thu, 06/23/2011 - 11:06am.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon: "GHEY!"
Still? Sigh...
Don't you a post to write? Git going, already.
"ghey". And THIS my friends is one half of what MK has left in charge!! WE ARE DOOMED!!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon: "GHEY!"
Still? Sigh...
Congrats to the honorary sluts Sweetas and Jack in the Hat!
BJORK! Phoebe doesn't hold stock in Valtrex, and she's also been spared about 11 other STD's that are currently eating up the corroded hilton cooch
Do they get dental?
Man it's like this thread was written by a one eyed, dyslexic hillbilly from Arkansas
Or sumfin...Congrats to mah boy Jack and the always delinquent reprobate Sweetas....
_____________________对您的和平_____________________
You simply cannot fathom the immensity of the f*ck I do not give..
Enjoy being a tourist and have fun with your family!
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 7:21am.
GHEY!
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This doesn't sound like the normal Jack's writing. Definitely a ghost writer. And on his first day...
Sucky also someone needs To check that no one hung themselves in their den of tears!!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
What's the difference between Phoebe Price and Paris Hilton? Nothing much except about $50 million.
Submitted by SugarFreeRedBull on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 7:21am
Ooops! Sorry!
Sucky 12/14/09 Motherfucker, I lick pits for a living
LawDog 03/15/2010 Leenie, LOL. I think we can all agree that I am the most important person ever Salacious 7/15/10 Thank you Leenie! You made me smile like a 19th century whore who got overpaid
GHEY!
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Anyone can get screwed, its not rocket science.
Submitted by kate773 on Thu, 06/23/2011 - 11:06am.
OKAY - that did NOT taste like chocolate. You are fucking MEAN, Leenie!
I hear the Jack is going to use a GHOST WRITER!!!
AAAaaaaahhhhOOOOoooooooAAAAAoooooOAAAAHHHH!
oh, and have fun with the family running around ny, mk!
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Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent...