Blame It On The Tea

The only bitch who got told by Judge Stephanie yesterday was the Probation Department who was told to stop testing Lindsay Lohan for alcohol and drugs since nobody is ordering that shit. Basically, Judge Stephanie blew out a beautiful love letter to Lindsay Lohan telling her that she can eat as many delicious bowls of crack flakes and vodka as she wants, because she won’t be tested. So instead of celebrating this beautiful and wonderful news by motorboating a pair of whiskey gelatin titty molds, she used her energy to once again cry to TMZ about how she’s still sitting firmly on the wagon and it must’ve been the kombucha tea that caused her to fail that booze test. FYI: kombucha tea has less than .05% alcohol, which means you’d get more booze in your system if White Oprah sneezed into your mouth.

LiLo screamed the kombucha tea excuse earlier this year when she failed a booze test and her probation officer bought that shit. LiLo says that her tongue hasn’t touched a drop of vodka, wine or any other kind of real booze. She went on to say, “I am responsible, and I’m following the rules and obeying my judge and the Los Angeles judicial system. I’d like to do what I must to get my film career back and the respect of directors, actors, writers, studio heads, fans and so on.”

What LiLo failed to mention is that she used the kombucha tea to pour into her water pipe to smoke a crack rock out of. (Mental note: switch your regular bong water with chocolate water next time for a before-dinner dessert toke).

Even when this dumb bitch doesn’t have to lie, she still lies. Does kombucha tea cause that too, bitch? You know, I’d respect LiLo a lot more if she just just flushed the lies out of her system with vodka tonics and told the truth. Let your drunk bitch flag fly high! Sad. Obviously, following the first step of White Oprah’s Enablers Anonymous (“ADMIT NOTHING“) is not working out for this wreck.