You’re standing in the cashiers line at Walmart buying whatever it is you buy at Walmart (condoms, Faded Glory cutoffs and Great Value corn chips) when three thieving thieves run out of the store with some beer. You tell the cashier if she’s going to do anything about, but she can’t be bothered. So what are you to do?
1. Join the cashier, who is obviously a honey badger, in The Don’t Give A Fuck Club.
2. Grab a few cases of beer yourself and run the hell out the door since the Walmart employees know that they don’t get paid enough to strain their leg muscles by chasing after your ass.
3. Write down the beer robbers’ license plate number and press the numbers 9-1-1 on your cell phone.
4. Twirl into your Walmart Wonder Woman costume, run out into the parking lot and perform the stupidest citizen’s arrest ever by jumping on top of the thieves’ car as they laugh at you to your crazy face?
If you’re the aptly-named Monique Lawless of Alvin, Texas then you obviously chose #4! Monique tells KENS 5 that she’s sick of all the crime and thinks our society needs to do something about it! So the single mother defended the poor and helpless Walmart by becoming their hero! The Walmart beer robbers were later caught by police after a chase.
The dumbest part of this story isn’t that Monique risked the cops telling her children “I’m sorry, but your mother is in the hospital because she tried to stop a group of assholes stealing beer from the richest store in America who don’t give three shits about her.” It also isn’t that the cops nearly cut that douchebag criminal in half by ramming him into the fence. It’s neither of those.
It’s that some stuttering simple hos name all three of their sons SYLVESTER! That is the real crime here.
(Thanks Comedy Wizard!)