There are still a lot of days left in the week, but that isn’t going to stop me from declaring it THE BEST WEEK IN JENNIFER ANISTON’S ENTIRE LIFE. Here’s the 3 reasons why:
1. Jennifer Aniston scrubbed out the dead skin and blackheads on her nose by exfoliating it on her snatched piece’s black steel wool beard while they ate food in SoHo with Terry Richardson. Free facial! Speaking of facials….
2. Terry Richardson took Jennifer Aniston’s picture and she didn’t have to smear (NSFW) his cum on her chest for him to do so. Any week you don’t have Terry Richardson’s cum on your chest is a good one!
3. Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of UsWeekly and the words “lonely” and “man-less” are nowhere on it. But the amazing headline “How Jen Stole Her Man: Jen’s falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to land her new love?” is!
The story in UsWeekly goes that Jennifer Manastealin knew that Justin Theroux was still with her girlfriend Heidi Bivens, but she didn’t care and went after him the same way she goes after a coveted limited-edition Precious Moments figurine on eBay. The source explains, “Jen wanted Justin and it didn’t matter that he was already with someone. Heidi Bivens didn’t know Aniston was the catalyst until now.” And one of Heidi’s friends said, “It sucks when your ex dates the most famous woman in the world so soon after a breakup.”
The most famous woman in the world?!!!! If I checked UsWeekly’s Rolodex for the number to “Heidi’s friend” and dialed it, Jennifer Aniston’s publicist would pick up on the first ring, right?
This is all just ridiculous, though. Jennifer “stole” Justin the same way Angie “stole” Brad. The truth is, Justin and Brad both cheated, because they are weak dicks who were born with an extra asshole chip instead of a sensitivity chip. But those details don’t really matter. What really matters is that Jennifer Aniston can tell her knitting circle that she can’t bring the raw cookie dough bars to next week’s meeting, because that night she’ll receive the highest honor at the Homewreckers Ball!