Yesterday, most of the internet kept waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out of the pantry when we learned that 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison (aka Tooms from The X-Files) married 16-year-old aspiring country singer Courtney Stodden in Las Vegas last month. I figured that Courtney tricked her parents into signing a parental consent for marriage form instead of her high school field trip form, because who willingly lets their 16-year-old child marry a sleazester who looks like he masturbates with diapers on his face and has a name that only the National Sex Offender Registry could love?
The answer to that question is Krista Stodden, because she tells Radar that she gave her blessing for her daughter to marry Tooms and she thinks that their love is as natural as Courtney’s tits.
“We are totally supportive of this marriage. Doug is a wonderful man and we love him. They are very much in love and we are so supportive of this. Courtney was a virgin when she married Doug. She is a good Christian girl. She is a beautiful girl. She has real breasts, real lips, she’s not plastic.”
Liam Neeson’s character from Taken is not at all amused by Krista’s words. When are we going to get to the part where we find out that Krista Stodden is a blind, quadruple amputee who suffers from the most severe kind of amnesia and has no sense of reason, because this checks every box on every page of WRONG.
First of all, if Krista’s tits are real then so is the peen on my inflatable ginger love doll. Second of all, most of you did your best Donald Trump impersonation yesterday when you demanded to see Courtney Stodden’s birth certificate since she looks like she was 16, 16 years ago. It’s true. That’s what 16 would look like in the porn version of Benjamin Button. So because of this, the phrase “publicity stunt” has come up a few times. Up until yesterday, not many knew Doug Hutchison by name and NOBODY knew Courtney Stodden and now we all do!
But why would Courtney lower herself to such cheap theatrics when her talent speaks for itself! Just look at this masterpiece of a video and try to tell me that she’s not the Ke$ha of our time:
Yes, that abused poodle is hoping that an alligator will jump out of the water and end everyone’s misery, but beyond that Courtney Stodden is a star! In a few years, when we see Courtney posing on a strip club flyer under the words “FEATURED STAR,” we can all say that we remembered her when….