The Tale Of How Bristol Palin Lost Her Virginity

Excerpts from Bristol Palin’s autobiography titled Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (Working Title: Northern Sexposure) are starting to leak like the broken condom that turned her into America’s most famous knocked up teenager, and it looks like we’ve all got something in common with her! We all got our cherry plucked (or ass cherry plucked in some cases) while completely tanked on life’s classiest semi-alcoholic syrup: wine coolers!

Bristol writes that during a camping trip with Levi Johnston and their friends, she got hit by the drunk stick from drinking wine coolers and when she woke up the next morning, her hymen reside was all over his peen. Bristol didn’t remember a thing. If only Paul Revere was there to wake Bristol up and warn her that Levi was a comin’. Cut to Whoopi Goldberg saying, “It wasn’t RAPE rape.” UsWeekly has a piece:

Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, “talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas.”

When she confronted him about their sexual encounter, Johnston, now 21, told Palin what she wanted to hear: they wouldn’t have sex again until they were married.

But, Palin writes, they became intimate again shortly after. When she learned she was pregnant in 2008, Palin was on birth control pills prescribed to treat her cramps; it took eight home pregnancy tests to convince her that she was expecting.

Palin’s parents, to her surprise, were incredibly supportive. They also reminded her to stay focused on the future, particularly her continuing education. Johnston’s reaction was less comforting. “Better be a fucking boy,” he told her.

After Bristol birthed out Tripp, she found out that Levi was plugging his Alaskan pipeline into several whores. They broke up for good when Bristol found that Levi put a baby in another girl and named him Bentley, which was Tripp’s original name. And of course, Levi has his own book coming out next month with his side of the story.

So basically, before Bristol got jaw surgery turning her into the image of what Punky Brewster would look like if she was adopted by the Kardashians, she was Quinn Fabray from Glee? That means Levi Johnston is like Puck! Well, if you replaced Puck’s looks, body and swagger with old moose meat, douche icicles and rocks. Who knew that Bristol’s teenage life was produced by Ryan Murphy?