The Tale Of How Bristol Palin Lost Her Virginity

Excerpts from Bristol Palin's autobiography titled Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (Working Title: Northern Sexposure) are starting to leak like the broken condom that turned her into America's most famous knocked up teenager, and it looks like we've all got something in common with her! We all got our cherry plucked (or ass cherry plucked in some cases) while completely tanked on life's classiest semi-alcoholic syrup: wine coolers!

Bristol writes that during a camping trip with Levi Johnston and their friends, she got hit by the drunk stick from drinking wine coolers and when she woke up the next morning, her hymen reside was all over his peen. Bristol didn't remember a thing. If only Paul Revere was there to wake Bristol up and warn her that Levi was a comin'. Cut to Whoopi Goldberg saying, "It wasn't RAPE rape." UsWeekly has a piece:

Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, "talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas."

When she confronted him about their sexual encounter, Johnston, now 21, told Palin what she wanted to hear: they wouldn't have sex again until they were married.

But, Palin writes, they became intimate again shortly after. When she learned she was pregnant in 2008, Palin was on birth control pills prescribed to treat her cramps; it took eight home pregnancy tests to convince her that she was expecting.

Palin's parents, to her surprise, were incredibly supportive. They also reminded her to stay focused on the future, particularly her continuing education. Johnston's reaction was less comforting. "Better be a fucking boy," he told her.

After Bristol birthed out Tripp, she found out that Levi was plugging his Alaskan pipeline into several whores. They broke up for good when Bristol found that Levi put a baby in another girl and named him Bentley, which was Tripp's original name. And of course, Levi has his own book coming out next month with his side of the story.

So basically, before Bristol got jaw surgery turning her into the image of what Punky Brewster would look like if she was adopted by the Kardashians, she was Quinn Fabray from Glee? That means Levi Johnston is like Puck! Well, if you replaced Puck's looks, body and swagger with old moose meat, douche icicles and rocks. Who knew that Bristol's teenage life was produced by Ryan Murphy?

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by kitty1 on Mon, 06/20/2011 - 8:02am.

I could give a rats ass about her life, I would like to know where she got those chipmunk cheeks though

Submitted by Hotmami on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 10:55pm.

Levi IS a douchebag, but Bristol is a fame-hungry absentee mother who tells lies like most people breathe air.

He didn't rape her. She's trying to blame her actions on him, and in the most despicable way possible. Oh,and he "supposedly" RAPES you, and you stay with him, but you leave him for getting another ho pregnant? Really?

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I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, I felt something die,
Cause I knew that
That was the last time,
The last time
-Adele

Submitted by _fail_ on Mon, 06/20/2011 - 12:35am.

Do these Palins take personal responsibility for anything? Seems like everything is always someone else's fault. Keep ringin' those bells Sarah, and PLEASE run for President...

Submitted by kiwikim on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 8:49pm.

@TV Annie...not to mention she pretty much makes it sound like he was the product of date rape. I mean jeez...what is wrong with Palin's handlers? Didn't they tell her that black outs don't happen unless you've been drinking for years? Maybe she had been. Wouldn't put it past the child of a Sarah Palin. Wouldn't surprise me to learn the real reason he got named Tripp was that he was the product of a bad acid experience.

Submitted by kiwikim on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 8:46pm.

They need to change the title to "Not Afraid Of Lies".

They're both your typical Alaskan white trash. I'd ban alcohol if it was part of making sure Bristol Palin and every other government tit sucking Alaskan never procreated again.

Submitted by Neurotic on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 6:43pm.

Wow...

They're really funny looking. Hopefully the kid is not as funny looking as they are.

It would be tough on a person to grow up knowing that their conception was such a lousy experience to at least one of their parents.

Submitted by TVannie on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 6:34pm.

Way to ruin your child's life. Poor Tripp, just wait until he gets in school and other kids taunt him with the tales from Bristol's book. Besides Bristol's selfish need for revenge, is there really any other reason to tell this story?

You can't pray a lie.
Mark Twain

Submitted by Tigerlilly on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 4:23pm.

Submitted by itsakick on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 10:52am.
If this story is true, it just confirms how stupid the Palins are. What parent in their right mind lets a teenager go on a co-ed camping trip. I mean seriously, what did they think would be going on?
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IT WAS SPOSTA BE CHRIIIIIIIISSSSCHUN and RIGHT WING...how was anyone sposta know the DEVIL would show up???? Huh? Answer me that. Ain't no Palin ivite to the Devil, no siree Bob...It had to be Levi...cuz HE IS NOT A CHIIIIIIIIISSSSSCHUN

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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...

Submitted by clairey claire on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 3:39pm.

This shit better be true. Otherwise Levi has a class A lawsuit on his hands

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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks

Submitted by hoganbcmj on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 9:35am.

When did Bristol Palin start looking so much like Maya Rudolph?

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This signature will be publicly displayed at the end of my comments.

http://hipandcritical.blogspot.com/

Submitted by islandgirl on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 9:31am.

Submitted by itsakick on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 10:52am.

If this story is true, it just confirms how stupid the Palins are. What parent in their right mind lets a teenager go on a co-ed camping trip. I mean seriously, what did they think would be going on?
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itsakick, you raise a good point. In this day and age, of COURSE there is fuckery afoot. I am a geriatric, but the stuff we used to get up to back then would bring a tear to a glass eye. My folks were very strict, so I usually had to lie my ass off to even get out the door, but I managed to do it. Can't even imagine trying to put boundaries on the teens of today. Now, GET OFF MY LAWN!! :)

Submitted by itsakick on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 9:22am.

If this story is true, it just confirms how stupid the Palins are. What parent in their right mind lets a teenager go on a co-ed camping trip. I mean seriously, what did they think would be going on?

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 9:10am.

MK, please don't give Ryan Murphy any ideas...he's probably working in a way to feature Bristol in a cameo on Glee at this very moment!

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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga

Submitted by agirl on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 8:28am.

OK, to recap:

Well, first MudTurtle I am sending good thoughts to you and your husband, and a big wet sloppy kiss to MK for his birfday.

Re: Bristol

-if Levi raped her, that is fucked up
-if she is falsely accusing him of rape out of spite or because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions (or for any other reason), that is fucked up
-they have a son who will one day be old enough to read all this shit, that is fucked up
-she lies so much and is encouraged to lie by her family, to the point where I don't even know if she is sure what the truth is anymore, that is fucked up (the title of the book should be, "Not Afraid to Lie")
-she claims to have gotten blackout drunk on wine coolers, that is (*snicker*) fucked up
-Trig is Bristol's baby too, so he will grow up thinking his grandma is his mama, that is really fucked up

So, any way you look at it, FUCKED UP!

Submitted by PepperMillonthefloss on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 8:21am.

Bentley? Really? I'd have gone with Astin Martin.

Submitted by KidL on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 8:09am.

Submitted by bookworm on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 11:19pm.
KidL
For fuck's sake. Did you read the comments? NO ONE on here is saying that she or anyone deserved to be raped. What people are questioning is if this is actually true.

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For fuck's sake did I say people on HERE said she deserved to be raped? I was talking about people in general not believing her because of her crazy assed mother, etc. She is tainted by association with her screwball mother/family.
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Oh, so you were referring to what people in general were saying even though you were posting on here and made no attempt to clarify that. How do you know what people "in general" believe? Did you take a poll?

Given your knack for clarity and communication, you really should consider a career writing the Palins' media releases.

Submitted by MudTurtle on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 8:09am.

Thank you everyone, you guys are awesome.
(((BIG group hug)))

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Well-behaved women rarely make history

Submitted by Anonymouse73 on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 7:48am.

"ETA: I just wiki'd Norplant. It is no longer used in the US or the first world. The ACLU argues that it has the potential for abuse and has been used coercively by the government. Yeah, AND?"

There were also a lot of side effects associated with Norplant. Another reason they took it off the market. There is a higher incidence of strokes, for one.

Anyway, wine coolers, because they are disgustingly sweet, always just made me puke...I get the feeling Ms. Palin is a seasoned drinker so I'm not buying that wine coolers made her pass out.

BornagainChristian> ? Yes, they actually do prescribe the Pill for cramps. Not that I think that's what she was taking them for, but they do.

I don't like Levi, but I hope he sues her for libel. I cannot believe there are people out there who think these people are White House material. Really!? Did your mama drop you on your head as a child?

Submitted by boston61 on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 7:19am.

Michele Bachmann and her husband's life mission is to convert gays to straight. Michele's husband is proof that it works! LOL Sarah Palin's goal in life is to empower real Americans and ostrasize unAmerican Americans. She is a grade A Mom too. LOL

Submitted by zomay on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 6:21am.

OMFG you fucked on a sleeping bag in the woods and this deserves a book??!!

Fucking mind numbing madness right there. AMERICA's IQ keeps dropping it seems.

Submitted by AgentM on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 6:15am.

ugh ugly people doing it.

Submitted by super martian r... on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 6:06am.

Mothers raise their daughters to be just like them so Bristol is a Sarah Palin growing. Get pregnant by a douche fug, blame it all on the douche fug. Get embarassed in an interview, blame it all on Katie Couric. So on. These people act like they never do wrong and everyone is always fucking them over. Like mother, like daughter. I think this is why some people can't stand Bristol.

Edit: and also, a boy gets (with) a girl drunk and fucks her. What a surprise, most guys would ~never~ do that. And then he wants the baby to be a boy when he responds to her pregnancy. Welcome to the world of teenage thinking.

Submitted by Thamar on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 5:56am.

why didn't this girl just stay in alaska get a degree, maybe nursing, but no ruined whatever charm she had with unecessary surgery and now exposing herself time and after time in these love me displays.

sarah palin did not impart any basic values early on. this is not disciplined into a kid, learned just from being around you. if you are decent, kid will make mistakes, but also be decent.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 5:19am.

♥♥ Happy Birthday, MK!! ♥♥

George Harrison What is Life

Submitted by Hekki on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 5:12am.

Here's another way to look at it:

Bristol was basically a girl without a mom, and Levi was basically a boy without a mom. Sarah figured she got her kid on BC and that was her insurance policy. (Don't they have Norplant anymore? Isn't that what they put the druggies on so they can't "forget" to take their pills?) They had that in common. What a shitty club to be in, though, huh?

But I think Bristol's pregnancy was a way to get her mother's attention (YES, kids do crazy shit to get their parents' attention) and maybe get a little revenge. I think they kept it because Bristol wanted to hang on to Levi. I am 80% certain Sarah tried to convince her to have an abortion. I can almost hear the conversation. Then she realized how she could use it for her own political purposes.

Anyway, I feel sorry for them. And for the Johnston baby. I'm sure he is suffering from the absence of his own parents, and when he gets old enough, the stigma of their stupidity.

ETA: I just wiki'd Norplant. It is no longer used in the US or the first world. The ACLU argues that it has the potential for abuse and has been used coercively by the government. Yeah, AND?

Submitted by zestyfuzz on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 5:06am.

Does she seriously want us to believe she was drunk off of wine coolers? No one loses their memory from drinking wine coolers. There was a comedian that joked once how you will never see someone in an AA meeting talking about their addiction to wine coolers.

Either A: She was drinking a lot more than wine coolers.

Or B: She wasn’t drunk at all and is using that as her excuse to have sex.

That entire family pisses me off, and I find the giant tattoo on Levi’s ring finger to be quite hilarious. Remember when there was an “engagement ring” tattooed there? haha

Submitted by Thamar on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 4:38am.

Submitted by MudTurtle on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 3:55am.

Hug that guy so tight MudTurtle!

Submitted by Thamar on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 4:35am.

In 2008 Johnston assured the press that their love was real. "We were a long time ago with or without the kid," he told the Associated Press.
Lost his ring so Levi tattooed her name on his finger.

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It is really ok to not be so smart, that is something over-rated imo. There are so many intelligent people who are exceptionally self-centered, mean and downright evil. And many not so smart who are kind, thoughtful and a pleasure to be with.

The fact that the Palin clan is not too bright is not the issue for me. What is the worst about this entire family is that they LIE.

The Palins are People of the Lie.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 4:52am.

Submitted by MudTurtle on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 3:55am.
Submitted by becky n sydney on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 2:38am.

No, but I was on the phone with him when it happened, so I heard it all. It scared me pretty badly. It was actually his police cruiser, and it's totalled.
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It must have been terrifying for you.
Thank goodness he was uninjured.
{{love and hugs to both of you}}

Submitted by sonne on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 2:43am.

*hugs* Mud Turtle, that sounds scary as hell. Glad your husband is fine and hope you are feeling better now as well.

Submitted by MudTurtle on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 2:25am.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 2:38am.
Submitted by MudTurtle on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 2:29am.
You guys, my husband just wrecked his car...:(
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Was he injured?

No, but I was on the phone with him when it happened, so I heard it all. It scared me pretty badly. It was actually his police cruiser, and it's totalled.

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Well-behaved women rarely make history

Submitted by angel_i on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 1:23am.

And of course, Levi has his own book coming out next month with his side of the story.
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Memoirs of a Teenage Douchebag.

How thrilling.

♥ Threadkilla!
Girls watch porn too!:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6478389/girls-watch-porn-too

Submitted by angel_i on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 1:22am.

When she confronted him about their sexual encounter, Johnston, now 21, told Palin what she wanted to hear: they wouldn't have sex again until they were married.

But, Palin writes, they became intimate again shortly after.
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Huh? This girl is very lucky she's not my daughter coming home telling me this bullshit story.

♥ Threadkilla!
Girls watch porn too!:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6478389/girls-watch-porn-too

Submitted by becky n sydney on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 1:08am.

Submitted by MudTurtle on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 2:29am.
You guys, my husband just wrecked his car...:(
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Was he injured?

Submitted by MudTurtle on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 12:59am.

You guys, my husband just wrecked his car...:(

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Well-behaved women rarely make history

Submitted by becky n sydney on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 12:47am.

@SFRB
Hey Sugar!

Submitted by SugarFreeRedBull on Sun, 06/19/2011 - 12:38am.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL K!!

Me and my tubby Mexican family will be eating Tamales for you!

Submitted by chlyn on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 11:46pm.

With that surgery, she looks like one of those Real Housewives. Fakety fake fake fake.

Submitted by El Bastardo on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 11:40pm.

Wine coolers, sex, inbred people, Alaska, boredom, crap parents, snow, facebook, whale blubber, views of Russia, fameseeking, chubby girl, small town, dopey boy...if these were the items in an episode of 'NUMB3RS' Charlie would come up with = Tard baby.

Submitted by VenusVibeTrap on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 11:33pm.

maybe ya'll are forgetting all the pics that surfaced of Bristol boozing it up... pics that encompassed more than just the time she was with Levi and his johnson.

This story is utter b.s. and I'll bet that Sarah is not happy about it. Her personal bulldog, Rebecca Mansour, has been quoted as saying, in reference to Bristol, something along the lines of "well, jimmy carter had billy, ronald reagan had michael reagan, etc." meaning that bristol is an embarassment and a liability.

Frankly, she shouldn't even be saying anything about Levi, as part of their custody settlement demands that they not talk about one another and not allow the child to be around anyone who talks bad about the other. Douchebag or not, what does Levi do now? She's spreading shit about him... I think he'll be hiring a lawyer and suing her for custody. Which is sad for the baby.... almost as bad as those poor boys of Charlie Sheen/Brooke muller.

Submitted by little_rascal on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 11:27pm.

Happy birthday, Michael K!

Submitted by gucci on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 11:10pm.

MK happy birthday and i hope you're gettin some really good lovin right now!

___________________

"The world is a pretty nice place if you're happy"

John Garfield
No one lives forever

Submitted by Granny Clampett on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 11:08pm.

I think Quagmire from Family Guy might be her father based on the shape of her head. Giggity.

"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 10:38pm.

This sounds like rape to me too. What I don't get is how her parents let this one slide. I would have remodelled this guy's face for sleeping with her while she was drunk, and then I would have taken my kid to a psychiatrist for sleeping with him again w-i-l-l-i-n-g-l-y. Or have self-esteem and self-worth gone out of style?

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Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by Goldigga on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 10:30pm.

I don't agree with a man having sex with a woman who is fall down, half unconscious drunk. I don't care if she consents, it's creepy. She was obviously out of it, if she doesn't remember anything.
I lost my virginity at 17. I thought because I'd done everything but full sex, I was the hottest thing ever and felt no need to tell him I was a virgin. Wish I had, he thought I was experienced so he did NOT go easy on me!

Submitted by bookworm on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 10:28pm.

HB MK! How old is MK anyway?

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 10:22pm.

Happy birthday, MK! May you ripe like a Domaine Romanée-Conti.

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Who are you calling silly cow?