Kirstie Alley’s Got A New Piece And A 22-Inch Waist

June 17, 2011 / Posted by:

Why must Kirstie Alley do this to herself? Why can’t she just put the crazy on mute and stop hollerin’ about how she’s a SIZE 4 and has a 22-INCH WAIST? We can all scream about how we have a 10-inch dick, indestructible nipples, a bottomless asshole and hands as soft as a cashmere fleshlight, but that doesn’t mean people are going to believe it. And trust me, they don’t. I write that into my Craigslist ad all the time and the e-mail that’s reserved for ho shit still hasn’t been christened by a response.

You know, Kirstie can kick, stretch and kick, and yet she’s still burning her tongue raw with blatant lies by trying to get us to believe that she’s as thin as her sense of measurement. Kirstie gets a Scientology clap (aka a dick slap on the ass while hiding in a sauna closet) from me for losing nearly 60 pounds since starting on Dancing with the Stars, but she says she isn’t done.

irstie’s goal is to fit into a dress with a 22-inch wait and she’s almost there. Kirstie said this to Life & Style,My goal dress has a waist that’s 22 inches. I tried it on, and I can almost zip it up.” Kirstie is going to Italy in a few weeks and says that she’ll be able to get into her goal dress by then. The minute Kirstie zips that dress up, we can all hop on a pig and fly down into the icy tundras of Hell where John Travolta will be fucking on a vagina and loving it.

Life & Style also points out that Megan Fox has a 22-inch waist, so she can share clothes with Kirstie now.

Unless Kirstie means the dress is 22 inches in diameter, bitch is telling an XXXXL lie and needs to stop buying her measuring tapes at the House of FIBrics. If you removed all of Kirstie’s ribs, cinched her in with a girdle made of wishful thinking, vacuum sealed her and put her in Paula Abdul’s “Promise of a New Day” video, she still wouldn’t have a 22-waist. Kirstie’s body looks good and so she needs to quit with the weight loss talk and spend more time licking fat-free hummus off of her supposed boy toy’s carrot stick.

Yes, the Daily Mail says that this hot piece named Ted Volynets is Kirstie’s boyfriend and dance instructor. All together now: FUCK MY LIFE.

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