This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: Vancouver Edition

June 16, 2011 / Posted by:

After the Vancouver Canucks lost the Stanley Cup (This is hockey we’re talking about. You know, it’s that sport that’s based on that Mighty Ducks movie.) to the Boston Bruins, some of the crazed fans freaked out like a Juggalo when the Faygo runs out. They flipped cars like Khloe Kardashian when her last M&M rolls under her Benz! They flamed the streets like me whenever an Atomic Kitten song comes up on my iPod. They even ransacked a damn Sears. Of course this is coming from crazy bitches who have socialized healthcare. If they cut themselves while punching through a glass window to snatch a pair of sensible Canyon River jeans, they can go to the nearest hospital and get that shit stitched up without pulling out their wallet. Me, I’d be like, “Err. I’ll wait until they go on sale.”

Doesn’t weed practically grow on trees in Vancouver? Why did fans burn down cars when they really should’ve burned a weed tree, inhaled hard and calmed themselves! IT’S JUST HOCKEY (cut to a Molotov cocktail shooting towards my head from Vancouver)!!!! It’s not like Ke$ha announced that she’s adding 2 more Vancouver dates. Just give yourself a Calgon enema, gargle with Valiums and tell yourself that there’s always next year. Unless the Mighty Ducks make it to the finals and then, well, may God be with the Vancouver Sears.

Seriously, make love in the middle of the streets, not war. At least some bitches know what I’m talking about.

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