The happening of Pippa Middleton has stepped up its game since she became single and now it’s added a new strain. Specifically, a ginger strain that causes rigor mortis in the nipples and leaks in the genitals. In news that is about as expected as me writing “leaks in the genitals,” UsWeekly put Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa Middleton together on their cover this week. Now, I know this should make me bust into a flailing ball of rage and perform the one-bitch version of Falling Down in my own apartment (my dog will play the Robert Duvall role) but this is just one of those silicone chest cutlet covers! You know, on the outside they look like a pair of organic chichis sprouted from nature, but it’s a different story on the inside.
Jezebel says that the outside of UsWeekly’s cover screams OMGPIPPAANDHARRYAREFUCKING but on the inside it says that they’ve never been on a date and PHG is actually back with that South African sloppy slut Chelsy Davy! But this isn’t going to stop tabloids from putting PHG and Pippa together without actually putting them together, so let me help them out by speeding this wishful thinking relationship up!
Issue Date: July 6, 2011
Cover headline: Prince Harry’s Romantic Late-Night Movie Date With “Pippa”
Story: A source close to Prince Harry exclusively tells Us that the world’s most eligible royal bachelor came home from the pub late one night and turned on the telly to find Pippi Longstocking playing. “Prince Harry was completely charmed by the movie and said that the name ‘Pippi’ sounds just like the name ‘Pippa.’ Harry said that he’s going to call Pippa ‘Pippa Longstocking’ from now on. When he laughed, I could tell he was thinking about her,” said the source. A rep for Pippa could not be reached for comment.
Issue Date: August 3, 2011
Cover headline: Inside Prince Harry & Pippa’s Intimate Fantasy Wedding! “The bride looked gorgeous!”
Story: Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton stand side by side at a wedding….for their mutual friend’s dogs! A witness tells Us, “At one point during the reception, the pug groom had a little accident on Prince Harry’s arm. Pippa immediately grabbed a paper towel and cleaned it up for him. Pippa’s hand lingered for a moment.” E-mails and phone calls to the bride and groom’s representatives were not returned by press time.
Issue Date: September 7, 2011
Cover headline: Prince Harry & Pippa’s SHOCKING SPLIT!
Story: During a get together at Prince William and Duchess Catherine’s apartment at Kensington Palace, Pippa Middleton ate a spoon full of Prince Harry’s banana split. This was uncharacteristic for Pippa since there’s been whispers among royal sources that she’s lactose intolerant. “I was bored. It was a Friday. Leave me alone!,” said the intern who wrote this story.
There we go!!! A date, wedding and break-up cover to take us through summer! Now we can go back to thinking Pippa is just a lispy Bostonian’s way of saying pepper. And for those of us who know what’s good, we can go back to fapping to Prince Hot Ginge without Pippa’s face cock blocking us!