Somebody Didn’t Stop The Presses In Time

Above is the official wedding announcement of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris that will hit newsstands on Friday even though she hit the kill switch on their wedding. The staff at the Playboy Mansion will have to keep several freshly waxed 18-year-olds near Hugh’s bedside so he can dry his sad tears on their labias while staring at his pant-less ex-bride on the cover of his magazine. The cover needed to come out, though.

You now know why Crystal’s dog Charlie refuses to look down. The last time he looked down, he witnessed Hef trying to fish his lost dentures out of Crystal’s chocha with his gums. It was like watching a grouper eat a ham sammy and Charlie has never looked down again. Down does not exist to Charlie. You don’t have to tell Charlie to look at the birdie twice. Charlie is always looking at the birdie. So now we know why.

In other failed digger news, Crystal told Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM show this morning that contrary to Hef’s Twitter tears, he didn’t really want to get married again. Hef was only marrying Crystal because he thought that’s what she wanted and he’s relieved he won’t be a husband again. Crystal says she realized the Playboy lifestyle is not for her and she wants to focus on her music career. Coincidentally (served inside of a sarcasm empanada), Crystal’s new single came out the same day as the news of her break-up with Hef.

Crystal is definitely a failed gold digger but I can’t accuse her of being a failed stunt queen. What all of us saw as true love was nothing but a publicity stunt to her. Bitch gave herself away by saying that she can’t hang with the Playboy lifestyle. When you meet your known whore husband during a barely legal orgy, you know what you’re getting yourself into.

And I don’t believe that Hef won’t get married again. I’m sure he’s already visited a local nursery to put a few future brides on hold just in case he makes it to 103.