That Was Very Uncool Of You, Jen, Very Uncool

Jennifer Aniston has long been the go-to lonely miserable-ling and “Well, at least I’m not her” poster child for a bitches who can’t get a man, but it’s a new day! Jennifer Aniston is accused of being a homewrecking slut whore who used her jaws of life vagina to snatch a man right out from under another woman’s body!

If you need Maddox, you can find him in the fetal position, fearing an uncertain future and contemplating the meaning of everything. If his arch rival Jennifer Aniston can successfully pull claimed dick to her side, does this mean that black is no longer Maddox’s signature color or that he really thinks knives aren’t not toys? June 14, 2011 is the day that Maddox either begins a pilgrimage to find the truth, or it’s the day that his thoughts of confusion turn into bubbling rage and he uses that to lead his child army in a battle to take over the world and control destiny! Maddox Khan! But I digress…

There’s been talk that Jennifer’s new piece Justin Theroux barely broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years Heidi Bivens. Well, Heidi’s rep says that “barely” should be bolded, capitalized, italicized and vacuum packed in uncoolness, because Heidi moved out of their apartment only 2 weeks ago. Jennifer and Justin met on the set of Wanderlust back in October, but they turned their relationship from co-workers into co-fuckers last month. A source says that Justin told Heidi he was just friends with Jennifer, but then finally came clean. Heidi’s rep said this to Page Six:

“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend. She has no comment.”

A friend of Justin’s said that the love between he and Heidi was over long before Jennifer came along. The friend also says that shit is moving fast with Jen and they are practically living together full-time.

Since Jennifer learned from the best, this kind of ho shit behavior from her shouldn’t surprise me, but it does! Go, Jen! Get your evil whore on! And we all know what happens next. Jen and Justin will “play house” in a spread for W Magazine, Heidi will call it uncool and then they’ll adopt an orphan from Cambodia and call him UMaddox. And please tell me UMaddox turns out to be Maddox’s long-lost brother. I can already hear the galloping from Maddox Khan’s child army in the distance….