My Our Lady of Guadalupe candle has nearly burned to the bottom from sending flames of prayer for Selena Gomez and now it can finally exhale, because she IS GOING TO LIVE!!! The Portia de Rossi to Justin Bieber’s Ellen DeGeneres was hospitalized last week and some of us made up the rumor that her womb was filled with a Canadian Mexican lesbian fetus and others said it was blood pressure issues. Well, at some concert at Santa Monica Place today, Selena told reporters it was neither.
“I was just very malnourished, so I was low on iron and exhausted. I do feel better!”
Malnourished? There’s a meatless crotch joke in there somewhere, but I’m only going to say that if I had to bottle feed my boyfriend at all hours of the night and deal with his fans constantly hacking the baby monitor I’d be in a state of broke off and dozed off too. Poor Selena. Bitch has postpartum and she’s not even a mother! But thankfully, she’s back on the stage and entertaining all her fans. Like this hot one:
Who knew that Sam Kinison is alive and is a Selena Gomez fan?