Pippa Middleton: We’re Still Trying To Make Her Happen

June 13, 2011 / Posted by:

And now the media’s hungry anuses really are going to fall off from the over-excitement of trying to make Pippa Middleton a thing we all care about, because she is officially single and ready to mingle with publicists who can set her up with famous dudes that will get her into the tabloids even more! I hope you like the taste of unflavored marmalade and stale crumpets, because the most boring lump of boring in Britain is really about to get shoved down our throats until we start shitting locks of shiny brown hair. The “MAKE PIPPA HAPPEN!!!” campaign is in overdrive! Actually, it’s out of gas and we’re all standing around with our arms crossed like, “Nope, I’m not pushing it to the nearest BP.”

People that Duchess Kate’s sister broke up with Alex Loudon who was her date to the royal wedding. A source says that Pippa and Alex are still friends and it’s “common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up.” Pippa has already been seen doing the photo op stroll with her ex-boyfriend George Percy who’s the son of the Duke of Northumberland.

This is the thing, I’m sure Pippa Middleton is a lovely and pleasant bowl of oatmeal and I respect her hustle, but we already have a Blake Lively and we don’t need another one! If you dipped Blake Lively’s hair into brown paint and slapped a British accent on her tongue, she’d still be Blake Lively! There’s only enough Zzzzzzzzs in the world for one Blake Lively!

And I can’t leave you with a picture of Pippa’s basic ass, so here’s a flambe in the form of Prince Hot Ginge’s nipples at a polo match. The media is obviously going to try to put Pippa and PHG together but it’s not going to happen in real life. PHG loves his hos the same way I love my lemonade: freckled, sour and full of vodka.

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