Selena Gomz Is Not Carrying The Second Coming Of Canadian Jesus

June 12, 2011 / Posted by:

You can go back to using your bunker to store your Extreme Couponing victories and tubs of boy butter, because a flock of locusts with tiny halos of golden follicles over their heads will not smother us now that we know Selena Gomez’s womb is not full of a Bieber baby. That’s what TMZ says anyway. When Selena Gomez went to the hospital on Thursday night after complaining of a headache and the voms, we all figured that either she and Justin Bieber scissored too hard or that a Belieber poured battery acid into her kombucha tea. But a source tells TMZ that none of those are the cause.

A source type says that Selena is sick with blood pressure issues, but doctors aren’t exactly sure what is causing the inside of her veins to hum a David Bowie song (ugh, I know). The source also put on a serious face and said that the only baby she’ll rocking to sleep in the near future is Justin Bieber when he has a night terror and wets the bed.

I for one am choosing to believe that Selena is not with child, because 2011 is already the year of the BABIES!!! and we don’t need to know that BABIES!!!! can spawn more BABIES!!!. That’ll be like when Sigourney Weaver realizes that she’s in the alien nest and she’s doomed. Eh, I’m sure Selena just has Bieber Fever and the cure is a double slap to the face and a month without Twitter.

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