GOOP Ponders Gayness In The Bible

June 9, 2011 / Posted by:

In honor of gay pride month, Our Lady of Self-Absorption Fishsticks Paltrow pressed pause on preaching to her GOOPers about the importance of having wood burning pizza ovens and $500 summer socks made from an alpaca’s pubes to ask a few spiritual leaders what the other bible (the first being, GOOP) truly says about homosexuality. Yeah, when Fishy gets deep she always sounds like she’s lived in a Baccarat crystal bubble in the middle of an Evian sea her whole life and has barely washed up on the shore of the real world. Like she’s the Little Mermaid or some shit and is using GOOP to ask, “What’s a fire and why does it – what’s the word?” But I think Fishy’s GOOP is in the right place this time and I actually learned something! Here’s Fishy’s intro:

Homosexuality in the Bible

A few months ago, in the heat of the tragic teen suicides that came about from intolerance of homosexuality, I saw a man on television who was apologizing for wishing death on gays from his facebook page. This member of an Arkansas school board was contrite for the violence in his words, but maintained that his values pertaining to homosexuality would remain, as he felt homosexuality was condemned in the bible. This concept, while foreign to me, is interesting, as it used to justify so much judgement and separation in our society. When my daughter came home from school one day saying that a classmate had two mommies, my response was, “Two mommies? How lucky is she?!” What does it actually say in the bible that will cause some people to be upset by my line of thinking?

Happy pride.


Fishy really said “How lucky is she?”, because she pictured herself as both moms. Now on to the shit that GOOP opened my mind to. Cynthia Bourgeault, an episcopal priest, wrote this about what the Old Testament says about gayness:

“How you answer this question depends hugely on what you take the bible to be. IF you believe that the bible is a single, timeless, internally consistent teaching on matters of human morality dictated by God himself, then yes, the Old Testament book of Leviticus is definitely uncomfortable with homosexuality. But it is also uncomfortable with menstruating women, shellfish and pigskin. (And for the record, it has some very harsh words to say about lending money at interest, a prohibition that even Biblical literalists seem to find it perfectly permissible to disregard!)

The only instruction manual on life I follow was written by Jackie Collins, so I’ve never really cared what the New and Old Testament had to say about how I should live mine, but PIGSKINS?!!! If they’re talking about the football team, okay. But I have a feeling they’re talking about pork rinds! And here I was thinking that the rest stop between here and heaven only carried pork rinds, Slim Jims and strawberry Shasta! I guess I have to bring my fucking own if that’s where I’m going. Note to you: Bury me with a bag of pork rinds.

Click here if you want to read the rest of GOOP’s long ass expose on homosexuality in the bible.

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