Open Post: Meredith Vieira’s Final Bow

Above is just a short clip (click here to see the whole thing) of the surprise lip dub to Don’t Stop Believing the entire cast and crew (plus Jimmy Fallon and Abe Vigoda) of the Today Show busted out for Meredith Vieira on her last day on the job. Matt Lauer started things off by changing into an “Matt Hearts Meredith” t-shirt before he handed her off to someone who handed her off to another ho like she was a baton in the most annoying marathon ever. Eventually, Kathie Lee and Hoda led Meredith into the street and directly into the pathway of a speeding truck since they were both fucking drunk. No, that didn’t happen, but it might as well have!

If I was Meredith, I would not want to spend my final day watching my soon-to-be former co-workers badly lip-synch to a song that stopped believing in itself when the cast of Laguna Beach butchered it in the limo. Her last day should’ve been spent raiding the storage closet (or Kathie Lee’s liquor cabinet, in this case) and cursing out the co-workers she’s always wanted to curse out. It’s not your last day until your drunk ass is being dragged out of the building by security while shouting, “I HATE ALL OF YOU! SEE ALL OF YOU IN THE OTHER HELL!”

If I was Meredith, I’d ask for a reboot.

Suri Cruise Is The Imelda Marcos Of Her Generation

Suri Cruise is the daughter of a Scientology queen and a robot who played American royalty in a TV miniseries once, so you would automatically expect her to cover her precious princess feet with the finest shoes that Tommy Girl’s money can buy. And she does! That’s what Star Magazine (via news.com.au) says. A source says that Suri’s shoe collection is so massive and luxurious that it is worth more than some people’s three bedroom home in Santiago, Chile (everything I learned about the price of real estate I learned from HHI).

Warning: Get ready to feel whatever emotions one feels when finding out that selling a 5-year-old’s shoe collection could pay off your student loans. Apparently, Suri’s got a $150,000 shoe collection. The source put it like this:

“Suri has so many designer shoes. She’s a massive fan of Marc Jacobs and she’s had several shoes custom-made, so if they didn’t come with a heel, Katie had them redesigned for Suri. She commissioned a pair of Louboutins for her a while back. She cries if Katie reaches for anything but a little pair of sandals with some sort of heel.

It’s hard keeping up with a growing girl. Suri sometimes picks out the shoes her mum should wear, and then picks out shoes for her dad. They genuinely seem to value her opinion and want her to make her own decisions.”

Maybe it’s because Veruca Salt is my favorite Charlie and the Chocolate Factory character, but I don’t see the problem with this. If Katie and Tommy want to raise a spoiled snowflake who will eventually get arrested for slapping a Saks salesperson after they tell her they don’t have her size, let them! Zsa Zsa Gabor is this close to skipping up the crystal drops to heaven and she needs a diva successor! Suri is that successor! So I say, keep on being shit parents, Tommy and Katie. Keep on!

Besides, when Suri outgrows her heels, she can give them to Tommy since they’re just his size. Suri is not only helping the economy, but she’s also being green!

(Thanks Nelson)

Weiner’s Weiner Finally Makes A Blurry Appearance

The media has been hitting us over the head with Anthony Weiner’s peen for over a week and now we can finally look up to see what’s been fucking with our brains. The guest of honor that got Anthony Weiner into this mess finally took its place at the head of the Internet table. Blogger Andrew Breitbart, who had been holding onto Wiener’s dick picture as insurance, let the dick slip on Opie & Anthony’s Sirius show today.

The picture lets you know what it would be like if you were drunk and were about to lick on Weiner’s huge donkey nuts during an earthquake. Meaning: it’s blurry and taken from the beej giver’s point of view.

You know it’s Weiner’s because it leans to the left. But shit is so out of focus that if you told me it was CoCo frolicking into the white foamy waves, I’d probably believe you.

(Not safe for anyone planning on not ordering the Jewish chorizo for lunch) Click here to see it. And now I can say with complete confidence that I’ve done my part for my country.

via Buzzfeed

Jennifer Connelly And Paul Bettany Are Parents Again

Jennifer Connelly gave birth to her third child and Paul Bettany’s second at their home in New York City on May 31st and they had themselves one of those Slip ‘N Slide births.

Jennifer’s rep tells UsWeekly that she birthed out a daughter they named Agnes Lark Bettany during a planned home water birth in a birthing pool. The rep then issued the usual ole’ canned response by saying they’re all happy, they’re all healthy and they’re all covered in a dried thin layer of placenta water.

Ricki Lake’s documentary on birthing babies made me believe that pushing out your womb refugee over a kiddie pool in your living room is the way to go. There’s no fluorescent lights and no nurses trying to shave your poon before it’s about to explode. You get to be Erykah Badu for a day by letting out your inner earth mother as you waddle and moan around your own house. You can get real and you can get ugly without judgements. And if you want to make sure that your newborn comes out with its eyes firmly shut, just let your man nibble on the nipple a bit.

Rohan Marley Just Raised Maury’s Brow

This past weekend at a show in Detroit, Lauryn Hill declared to the audience that she’s taking a break from showing up 3 hours late to concerts to tend her 6th child who is currently leasing space in her womb. Most of us figured that Lauryn’s boyfriend of forever and father of her 5 kids, Rohan Marley, was the one who blew her ovaries a testicle kiss full of semen. Rohan says that we would be wrong in assuming that.

Rohan sang every track on his new album The Misspermification of Lauryn Hill yesterday on Twitter and subtly denied with a creepy wink that he’s not the daddy. Ro’s Twitter denial has since been deleted, but Chron.com broke it down for us:

Soon after Lauryn Hill announced that she is pregnant with her sixth child, Rohan Marley took to Twitter to state that he was not the father (Maury Povich style!). Hip-Hop Wired tweeted a link to their story announcing Hill’s pregnancy. Soon after, a tweet from @RoMarley, replied, “2 things, I’m not married and I don’t have anyone expecting anything.”

The Rohan Marley Twitter account is verified, so we’re going to assume that it’s really him. As far as the baby not being his, a Clutch Magazine writer by the name of @BritniDWrites engaged him in further conversation. She tweeted to him, “so we are clear: 1) you’re not married to your ex-wife or Lauryn, and 2) she isn’t preggo w/your child, but someone else’s?”

His response was a vague, “That is correct until I say out of my mouth to the contrary.”

The writer replied, “Ok. I’ll take it. But you do realize that the ‘until I say something contrary’ addendum cast doubt on your statement.”

The last thing Marley tweeted her was, “trust me, the info out there is so incorrect for so many years…Thx for twitter. I check a few things.”

Was it White Oprah who said, “Lines aren’t for reading between they’re for snorting?”

Why doesn’t Rohan just come out and say it. Typing “I AM NOT THE FATHER” is easier than typing a bunch of Scooby Snacks with no protein. Stop beating around my bush, Ro! (No, seriously, please don’t beat around any of my bushes because I don’t think prenatal vitamins mix well with morning whiskey.)

Rohan just sounds like a major asshole with dick that makes a bitch loopy. No wonder Lauryn went crazy. She squatted on the tip and she’s never been the same since.

Do Not Tell Nicolas Cage’s Son That He Can’t Eat Something

A Cage was shuffled off to the mental hospital yesterday and minds were blown with release when we all learned it wasn’t Nicolas.

Nicolas Cage’s 20-year-old son Weston did not have a good day yesterday. TMZ reports that it all started when Weston got into a screaming fight with his new wife Nikki ending with her performing Ginger’s “I’M GOING! I’M GOING” scene from Casino and leaving their house. So Weston was already sitting right next to rage when he had lunch with his personal trainer at The Farmer’s Market in Hollywood later in the afternoon.

Weston wanted to order something off the menu and his trainer wouldn’t let him. Note to all: When Weston Cage wants to order the grilled decapitated pigeon heads and sacrificial goat hearts with a white wine vinaigrette, LET HIM. It will save you from trying to block a roundhouse kick from a goth prince. That’s exactly what Weston did. A source says that Weston lost his mind and tried to kick his trainer like a scorned Chinese lady on a public bus. Even after Weston’s trainer took him down and tried to whisper some calm into him, he continued with his freakout.

The cops arrived and threatened to turn Weston’s dick bush into his dad’s hair by tasering him. Weston had a “Don’t tase me, bro” epiphany and finally cooled his shit. Instead of taking him to jail, the cops took him to a local hospital for a mental health evaluation. Weston’s dad flew into town yesterday to be with his son and has put all of his plans on hold to stay with him indefinitely.

It’s not known if Weston was on the wrong stuff, but the waitstaff at the restaurant thinks he was under the influence of something.

Weston shouldn’t feel bad. This is what Kristie Alley used to do when her trainer didn’t let her eat carbs. Her eyes would turn black, the clouds would cover the sun, animals within a 2-mile radius would run for cover and Maryann Forrester from True Blood could be heard cackling in the distance. It happens.

Weston is in good hands now and hopefully he’s getting the crazy tamed. You know what my abuelita used to do to soothe the nerves? She would go into the backyard, murder bees with her chankla, hike up her house dress and then she’d sting herself in the leg with its stinger. And she not once screamed, “No las abejas!!!!” It was more like the bees screamed, “No a la abuela!!!”