Reese Witherspoon Tells The Blake Livelys Of The World To Sit Down

June 6, 2011 / Posted by:

Reese Witherspoon won something called the Generation Award at MTV’s Twilight Appreciation Banquet last night and she used her time at the mic to chin slap the likes of Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian for summoning the spotlight by leaking their own sex tapes. Reese also threw judgement at camera sluts who don’t hide their faces when posing nekkid ass nekkid in front of their cell phones (cut to Blake Lively in a bathroom stall backstage, slowly lowering her camera phone below her chin).

Reese should really give a lecture to stupid ass Craigslist whores who scream “NO FACE/NO CHAT” at you when you e-mail them pictures of your nipples and belly button. Poor Chase would never get action on Craigslist.

But back to Reese, this is the girl power speech she gave to an audience of Twihards and Beliebers last night:

“I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl. But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!”

That “hide your face part” was Reese’s subtle way of calling Blake a butterface, right?

Yeah, yeah, I get what Reese is going on about, but saying “HIDE YO SEX TAPES! HIDE YO FACES!” makes her sound like the Antoine Dodson of prudes. Yes, some sex tapes were the seed that sprouted an evil force that infected the world with triple stuffed asses and ostrich Herpes, but some celebrity sex tapes have brought nothing but joy to many genitals (see: Colin Farrell’s sex tape).

Not every slut has the luxury of baring their (NSFW) bare breasts on a closed and professional movie set! Besides, Reese should know that Kim DID hide her sex tape under her bed. And by “bed” I mean the welcome mat at AVN.

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