The Return Of Simon Cowell’s Delectable Furry Chest Pies

June 1, 2011 / Posted by:

Simon Cowell returned to British TV on Britian’s Got Talent the other night after a long break, causing millions of genitals to finally come out of hibernation to worship at the hairy altar of his twin moobs. You know who doesn’t think this is sexy (don’t you dare raise your hand)? Simon’s buttons. Simon still won’t let his buttons fuck his buttonholes. They are so close and he continues to deny them. He won’t even let his button stick the tip in or brush against his button slits oh-so-gently. Sexually frustrated buttons are a real thing. But I’m sure they understand. If they fucked, we wouldn’t get eye fulls of Simon’s chest rug. The sexiness stops there, though….

The Daily Mail points out that Simon also debuted a new droopy eye. A source tells them that the reason why Simon looks like Ryan Seacrest miscalculated his aim is because of Botox. Duh. The source explained, “Simon had overdone things a little with the Botox and it soon showed up on camera – especially as we film in high definition, which is particularly unforgiving. During the break between shows, the producers were quick to change the lighting over the judging panel. Simon was not happy.”

It’s all fun and games until that extra shot of Botox makes your eye look like a Blobfish’s mouth after eating a fart. Who knew that Cheryl Cole had it in her to get revenge on Simon by switching his Botox vial with stingray semen. +1 for you, CC!

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