Kim Zolciak Is Somebody’s Mother…Again

One would think that during this crime scene of a photo shoot for Life & Style, Kim Zolciak’s unborn baby would’ve felt the tense foolery in the air and quietly escaped out the back to crawl over to the Duggar’s front porch and beg to be taken in. He did not do this. Because CNN (yes, that CNN) brings us the news that yesterday in Atlanta, Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta filled a delivery room with the thick scent of burnt wig glue, charred bronzer, cigarette smoke and salty sweat trickling down Sweetie’s forehead as she tried to cover the hospital smoke detectors with wig pieces. Yes, Kim birthed out her third child and her fiance’s first.

You better believe that the second that baby’s head touched air, Kim was already hooked up to a white wine IV drip and had a lit cigarette hanging out of her mouth. It’s called the Zolciak Labor Special. You can request it for your next C-section.

Kim announced the birth of her new son with Kroy Biermann via Twitter and also let everyone know what they wrote on their baby’s gift certificate. Beware, it’s painful.

@biermann71 and I are happy to announce the birth of our son today Kroy Jagger Biermann is healthy & beautiful We are so in love!

KROY JAGGER?! I don’t know if it’s cruel or fitting that the name of Kim’s son sounds like a $2 drink special at T.G.I. Friday’s made of crayfish juice and recycled Jager shots. That poor baby will spend the next few months in a custom-made wiglet and a She by Sheree onesie, and Kim does him another wrong by giving him that name?

If you wrote his name backwards, it sound so much better. York Reggaj! See. That shit sounds like the name of a fancy Dynasty character instead of a cocktail that nobody orders. Poor KJB.