Hayden Panetroll Is Already On To The Next Giant

It was just a quick second ago when Hayden Panettiere climbed down her Ukrainian tree trunk of a boyfriend and made all her internal organs breathe a collective sigh of relief when she broke it off for good. Hayden’s kidney knows it’s not natural for it to get poked by a giant penis and it needs time to recover from this traumatic experience. But UsWeekly says that Hayden is not giving her kidney or any of her other organs time to heal, because she’s already climbed on to another giant.

Hayden was seen at In-N-Out in Laguna Hills, CA with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez yesterday afternoon. One source says they are just friends. But a different source says that there’s something there and the two flirted with each other at an Oscar party back in February when she was still with Wladimir Klitschko.

I was unaware until now that there comes a time in every gay man’s life when he finds himself jealous of little Sarah Roberts from One Life to Live. I mean, Hayden just finishing riding a Ukrainian dick that probably had veins so strong that they could sprain a coochie muscle just by throbbing a bit. And now, she’s diving crotch first on Mark Sanchez’s hot ass?! How the hell does she keep pulling these hot pieces? Do I have to chop off my legs, install hard cutlets into my chest and learn Elvish in order to get some hot dick? If so, get me a saw and a Rosetta Stone subscription.