Somewhere in California, Papa Joe Simpson is furiously gluing the beads on Jessica Simpson’s bridal pasties while yelling at the team from Spanx to make her wedding dress faster, because he needs to marry off his daughter in the next few days so that she gets the cover of all the magazines and Tony Romo doesn’t! As Jessica bawled into a bowl of cake soup, her ex-boyfriend Tony Romo married Chace Crawford’s sister Candice in front of 600 people in Dallas, TX yesterday. Yes, a professional football player married a pageant queen turned news anchor in Texas. The theme of the wedding was obviously: STEREOTYPES! I hope Candice loves a mug full of chardonnay in the morning, because ho is a Kathie Lee Gifford in-the-making.
People reports that after Tony took at least 20 minutes to lift the veil over his bride’s head (it took about 19 minutes to clear her forehead) for their wedding kiss, their guests ate short ribs and pizza in the reception tent. The guests also got a gift bag that included: a Neiman Marcus gift card, assorted treats from Great One Cookies, a Mix of the Month CD by DJ Lucy Wrubel, a miniature bottle of Moet champagne, a box of Dude Sweet Chocolates, gourmet popcorn, chips and salsa, “Killer Pecans” from Bandera Foods, Voss bottled water, and an assortment of Kiehl’s beauty and body products.
That gift bag is pretty fitting, because I’m sure that last night Jessica’s gold digging fiance Eric Johnson used her Neiman Marcus credit card to buy canary diamond cuff links while she sat in the changing room, dipping tear-stained cookies into champagne and salsa.
I can’t wait to see the pictures of Chace Crawford throwing precious flutters with his eyes down the aisle. Who needs a flower girl when you’ve got Chace Crawford?