That might sound like one of the plots of Christopher Guest’s new movie starring Jennifer Coolidge as the rodeo queens’ coach, but it isn’t. This story is a reminder that the local news regularly burps up shiny gems of fuckery that even make The Onion go “huh?” The latest one comes out from KSL in Farmington, Utah. A major breakout of horse herpes (cut to Lady Coco Chanel making a “Not My Fault” face) has forced the cancellation of several rodeo events and shit, because who wants to put a feedbag of Valtrex under their horse’s mouth? The Davis County Sheriff’s Mounted Posse Junior Queen Contest was almost shut down too, but then the organizers got an idea that saved the event. They put the rodeo queens on stick horses. The world is now a much more magical place thanks to the stick horse rodeo.
One of the little rodeo queens said, “With a stick horse it’s a lot different because you have to do all the work, and I think it’s going to be a lot more tiring than with a real horse.”
After watching that classic video, it’s only right for me to say that Brokeback Mountain would’ve been a million times better with stick ponies instead. Hell, everything would be better with stick ponies. Real ponies shit, piss, kick at you when you try to hot glue rhinestones on their skin and don’t smile on command. But stick ponies don’t shit, nor piss and they won’t try to take your knee caps out if you hot glue a rhinestone to their heads. They can’t! They don’t have legs!
I say we retire all the ponies and stick to stick ponies! If stick pony rodeos became the new thing, I might even get up off my ass and get on that shit. Because if anybody knows how to ride a stick… I’m stopping.