The alcohol supply in England is surprisingly starting to dwindle again and the country is very close to begging Ireland for a bailout. Before they resort to such extreme measures, they are sending their biggest consumer of booze off to the tank so that they can replenish their sweet nectar resources. Smirnoff's favorite blow job partner, Amy Wino, has once again been shipped off to rehab for the (insert the number of times in the past 10 minutes you've sniffed Wite-Out to get you through this Friday morning)th in her lifetime. But before the coke line on my mirrored heart checked into rehab, she left England with one last parting shot!
The Sun says that minutes before Wino surrendered herself into The Priory, she stumbled into a nearby hair salon and gave them something to remember her by. One customer said that Wino ran into the salon's bathroom and loudly hacked into the toilet. The sound was not unlike that of a zombie getting murdered via chainsaw fellatio. (A customer was smart enough to record Wino barfing into a toilet and they have since sold it to the sound editors of AMC's The Walking Dead).
The customer said that the staff was too scared to say anything. Wino apologized for ruining their bathroom with her puke. Minutes after Wino left, men in yellow astronaut suits swept in, tented the place and shuffled the customers off to a year-long quarantine. The toilet was later sold on the underground black market to North Korea who will use it as a weapon of mass destruction.
Naturally when one pukes, one wants to rinse out the layer of vom from their mouth with heaven's tears: VODKA! Wino walked into Meadway Food & Wine, and bought a bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Wino blessed her insides by taking a quick swig before leaving the store to check into rehab.
If I got a vodka shot for every time I typed "Oh, Wino, Wino, Wino..." I'd probably be puking my liquefied liver out into a beauty salon toilet. But I'll type it one more time: Oh, Wino, Wino, Wino! What we really need from her is a new album. That's what we really need. At this point, I'd even settle for an album of her barfing into toilets, gargling with vodka and ripping out a rehab technician's jugular vein with her bare teeth for filling her IV drip with nutrients instead of gin. Wino can call it Barf This Way. Her first singles will be "Edge of Gory" and "Pukis." I'd totally buy it on Amazon for 99 cents!