Daily Archives: May 27, 2011

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Some guys are leg men. Some are ass men (Kramer). This famous athlete is a breast man. If you don’t have them, he will date you, but he’ll spend a good part of the relationship pressuring you to get a new pair. He’ll point out other women and comment on what great breasts they have and how perfect you would be if you only had breasts like her. This strategy doesn’t just work on regular women. It has also worked on two of the famous women he has dated, who both got plastic surgery when they were with him. Expect to see his current girlfriend with a new pair soon. (Blind Gossip)

A-Rod and Cameron Diaz? Exhibit: EVERYTHING

A-Rod really needs to calm down and stop trying to shove plastic titty sacks in Cameron Diaz’s chest. He has enough chichis for the both of them.

Family feuds can get really ugly, and this one is no exception. These two siblings absolutely despise each other. The more successful sibling has been giving money to their parents every month for years. The parents have then been turning around and giving the money each month to the less successful sibling. The successful sib found out about this and is absolutely furious. They now want to cut everyone off financially. (Blind Gossip)

Judy and Audrey Landers, obviously. Or Miley and Noah Cyrus?

Cannes. This former A list movie actor who is lucky to have any friends at all, slipped his arm around the waist of this almost A list actress/director at an event, who shoved his arm away and said, “Do not touch me.” Guess things are not as rosy as they seem. (CDAN)

This smells like condensed titty milk, dirty jacuzzi water and blue ball rage, which means it’s probably Mel Gibson & Jodie Foster? But let’s just pretend it’s Brad Pitt and Angie Jo!

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An Outbreak Of Horse Herpes Forces Rodeo Queens To Ride Stick Ponies Instead

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

That might sound like one of the plots of Christopher Guest’s new movie starring Jennifer Coolidge as the rodeo queens’ coach, but it isn’t. This story is a reminder that the local news regularly burps up shiny gems of fuckery that even make The Onion go “huh?” The latest one comes out from KSL in Farmington, Utah. A major breakout of horse herpes (cut to Lady Coco Chanel making a “Not My Fault” face) has forced the cancellation of several rodeo events and shit, because who wants to put a feedbag of Valtrex under their horse’s mouth? The Davis County Sheriff’s Mounted Posse Junior Queen Contest was almost shut down too, but then the organizers got an idea that saved the event. They put the rodeo queens on stick horses. The world is now a much more magical place thanks to the stick horse rodeo.

One of the little rodeo queens said, “With a stick horse it’s a lot different because you have to do all the work, and I think it’s going to be a lot more tiring than with a real horse.”

After watching that classic video, it’s only right for me to say that Brokeback Mountain would’ve been a million times better with stick ponies instead. Hell, everything would be better with stick ponies. Real ponies shit, piss, kick at you when you try to hot glue rhinestones on their skin and don’t smile on command. But stick ponies don’t shit, nor piss and they won’t try to take your knee caps out if you hot glue a rhinestone to their heads. They can’t! They don’t have legs!

I say we retire all the ponies and stick to stick ponies! If stick pony rodeos became the new thing, I might even get up off my ass and get on that shit. Because if anybody knows how to ride a stick… I’m stopping.

(Thanks Erin)

Afternoon Crumbs

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes’ honeymoon pictures are totally not staged, said absolutely no one – Popsugar

Jennifer Lawrence on the set of The Hunger Games, or maybe she’s shooting a Sister Wives movie we don’t know about? – Lainey Gossip

Lindsay Lohan’s art film needs more 3D piranhas – The Superficial

Whoopi farts on The View, it’s still more intelligible than anything Elisabeth Hasselbeck has ever said – Towleroad

Why does Sarah Jessica Parker always have to talk like an out of breath toddler doing a Marilyn Monroe impersonation? – Celebitchy

When Christian walked into the light on the Lost finale, I’m pretty sure he then walked right out of Christina Hendricks’ cleavage – Hollywood Tuna

Tara Reid looks awesome (remember this is Tara Reid I’m talking about) – (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Urban Outfitters is the Beyonce of corporate clothing stores – The Daily What

I would – OMG Blog

The red True Blood poster looks like the beginning of the most graceful gang bang ever – Just Jared

Mark Zuckerberg is only eating animals he kills himself – NYC Barstool Sports

Blind leading the blind – ICYDK

Bettie McDonald looks a mess – Popoholic

Man nipples galore – The Berry

Lisa Bonet looks stoned – Moe Jackson

Is that tattoo of a seahorse trying to give itself head? – Cityrag

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CoCo Is The Most Talented Woman In The World

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Let’s not pretend that CoCo didn’t open that can with her camel toe and later crush it into a recycling bin with her jaws of life ass. Is there anything CoCo can’t do (don’t you dare add another “do” to that “do)? This might be the first time when saying “This beer tastes like ass!” is a good thing. The Queen is totally going to invite CoCo over to Buckingham Palace for Beer Bong Sundays when she sees this picture. Kate Middleton, who?

Source: Twitter via WOW Report

Jeff Conaway Has Passed Away

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Two weeks ago, Jeff Conaway was found unconscious on the floor of his home in Los Angeles. Some say he overdosed on painkillers and Dr. Drew says he suffered from pneumonia and sepsis. Jeff was staying alive (not a John Travolta reference) with the help of a ventilator and feeding tube, but yesterday his family decided to take him off life support. Shortly after that, Jeff floated off to the great big Rydell High School in the sky at the age of 60.

Most of us know Jeff as Kenickie in Grease, but he was also in Taxi for a while and this masterpiece of a movie called Covergirl that I once watched at 4 in the morning. Jeff was also in Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab with his absolutely insane girlfriend Vikki Lizzi. They broke up before he died, but apparently Vikki Lizzi was trying to go to court to stop his family from taking him off life support.

Dr. Drew tells TMZ that he wants everyone to know Jeff didn’t die from overdose. Jeff’s body quit after years of prescription drug abuse and just couldn’t take it anymore. Dr. Drew added, “This was aspiration with overwhelming pneumonia and sepsis.”

Rest in peace, Kenickie. You’re now in heaven, giving hickeys to the angels.

via E! News

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Open Post: Hosted By A Cat Mom’s Love

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

By popular demand, here’s the video from the vault of adorable of a mother cat and her ginger kitten acting out my regular Saturday night. The mother cat is playing the role of me and the ginger kitten is playing the role of a bottle of peach vodka.

(Thanks to everyone who this in a million times!)

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Jose Canseco Wants To Be Lord Caca

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

As Lady Gaga performed as both Catra and Octavia in a broke down goth version of She-Ra on Good Morning America today (performances here), Jose Canseco was probably dressed in his night time baseball armor and softly caressing his TV screen like it was his bride on their wedding day. Jose shared his love with Madonna 1.0 many years ago and now he’s hoping that Lady Gaga will take her Madge impersonation way too far by riding her unicorn keyboard into the sunset with him.

On Twitter the other night, Jose Tweeted a beautiful love poem dedicated to his queen (via UsWeekly):

I love lady gaga wish I could meet her .would marry her in a second
23 May

Lady gaga is the truth get use to it
23 May

Her song Judas is what we fight with everyday since we are born evil
23 May

I am her night in baseball armor
23 May

She is the queen
23 May

Lady gaga where r u did u get my marriage proposal I am at cocoa casino in yuma Arizona
24 May

“Night in Baseball Armor” is so the title of Gaga’s next album.

But I must tell Jose that if he hopes to successfully woo Gaga by publicly whispering sweet Tweets into her retinas, then maybe he should give her the correct name of the fucking casino he’s staying at! It’s the COCOPAH CASINO! Yes, I’ve been there. (Now is not the time to judge when love is on the line). The saddest image of the day is Caca standing alone in the parking lot of some cocoa casino in Yuma with a bridal bouquet in her hands, waiting to see baseball armor float through the night.

The Lord Will File A Copyright Infringement Lawsuit Against Kim Kardashian in 3..2..

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Nobody does gross the way the Kardashians do gross and Kris Humphries knows this, so it wasn't gross enough for him to give Kim Kardashian a $2 million diamond engagement ring that weighs more than the extra crusty bead of slobber that comes trickling out of Khloe's mouth when she spots of family of goats in the distance. No, Kris had to go all the way gross by etching two bible passages into Kim's ring. That's what TMZ is saying. So far, only Kris, Kim, Pimp Mama Kris, the jewelers, God's lawyers and the editors of several tabloids know which bible passages are burned into the ring of a famewhore.

Seriously. We can laugh at how a family whose souls are simmering in jars in Satan's apothecary are quoting the bible in their gaudy ass rings, but we're assuming that the Kardashians consider the holy bible their bible, which you know they don't. They think the holy bible is just a hotel manual for their assistants to read. Obviously, the bible to them is Kardashian Konfidential (found on the bathroom stall floor of your local Barnes & Noble). So there's no reason to have a God Warrior meltdown over this. The only passages etched into Kim's ring are:

"I'm Armenian and I get oily" – Khloe 3:69

and

"I remember one day I was kissing Mason and he spit up in my mouth and I loved it." – Kourtney 2:6gross.

Or maybe they got really deep and etched this quote into her ring: "Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt" – The Book of Sir Mix-A-Lot

(Image via People )

Looking Hot, Jude, Looking Hot

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

With a thin layer of bald head balm SPF slathered on his head, Jude Law proved that he’s the anti-Travolta by going toupee-free in Cannes yesterday afternoon. Jude is wig-free and loving it! I don’t blame the former hair citizens on Jude’s head, though. Would you rather be sitting on Jude’s head or would you rather uproot and mosey down south to sit next to his lucky penny areolas? Exactly.

Besides, that little powder puff of hair on top of his head is sort of cute. Some might see it as a ball of sad without any friends. Not Me. I see it as an afro wig for a giant’s clitoris. And who doesn’t love clit wigs?

An Open Letter To Selena Gomez

May 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Dear Selena Gomez,

When Chris Hansen asked you to have a seat over there, he didn't mean on Justin Bieber's 17-year-old crotch.

Sincerely yours,
Michael

P.S. – Thanks to you, everybody who looks at these pictures is going to jail now. Thank you. You’re single-handedly responsible for overcrowded prisons. You, sucia pedo puta, you. Good going.

P.P.S. – When you’re singing Baby Bieber a goodnight lullaby in his bassinet tonight, please let him know through song that the organizers of the National Weight Lifting Competition are impressed that his parakeet arms were able to lift your NOT RIGHT ass in the water. They’d like him to compete in their toddler division this year.

P.P.P.S – A covered playpen: get one next time.

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