Lindsay Lohan Is Officially On House Arrest

May 26, 2011 / Posted by:

After performing in Dance of the Spilled Tit in Miami, Lindsay Lohan flew back to Los Angeles to turn herself in to Lynwood Jail. You didn’t think they were going to make LiLo sit in a jail cell like regular people, did you? Nope. As expected, the Sheriff strapped an electronic monitoring bracelet to her ankle and ordered her to sit her ass in her Venice, CA home for the next 35 days or so. The Sheriff said that she must stay inside of her house at all times and will be arrested if she so much as sneezes out of the window. Something tells me that the delivery orders of every liquor store in a 10-mile radius are about to double. The same goes for dealers who make house calls.

LiLo was sentenced to 120 days in jail for pleading “no contest” to snatching that necklace. But due to overcrowding and other bullshit, the Sheriff declared her eligible for house arrest. LiLo’s 120 day sentence will be whittled down to a few weeks if she shows good behavior. The Sheriff also said that the bracelet doesn’t detect booze or drugs.

GOOD BEHAVIOR!? That is a bigger joke than Michael Lohan thinking he looks sexy in mesh shirts. The only way you can fuck up house arrest is if you leave your fucking house! I’m not on house arrest and I only leave my house to take my dog to shit on the sidewalk. Don’t think that I’m not in the process of training him to sit still in a basket while I lower it down to the sidewalk from my window so that I don’t have to put on sweats to take him out!

“House arrest sounds like a dream!” – hermit crabs

Seriously, being Jamie Lee Curtis in a real-life version of House Arrest the movie sounds like a vacation. Nowadays, you can get dick, kittens, whiskey, weed and nachos delivered to your front door at all hours. But this is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about. Bitch suffers from a natural twitch called fucking up. Synchronize your iPhone clocks, because it won’t be long before her anklet starts screaming when she leans a little too far out of the window while accidentally slipping a nip for the paps.

via People

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