How Did This Beauty NOT Win American Idol?

May 26, 2011 / Posted by:

I’ve said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn’t get into this season of American Idol. I’m being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of last night’s finale and went through the pictures from that mess this morning. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with this country?! Why didn’t Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up last night? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like she plays the role of Claudette Wells in the reboot of Square Pegs that only shows in Venus? This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but American Idol hasn’t been a singing competition for a long ass time. It’s a really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.

Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant’s hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. American Idol should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody’s grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.

Anyway, Scotty McCreery won American Idol last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should’ve won is America’s Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn’t do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit.

Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There’s a reason why balls don’t drop during infancy. It’s so that your baby doesn’t sound like Barry White. But that’s just me hating again. I’m sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won American Idol. Whoever that is.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s finale. The theme of the night was obviously: LOOK A MESS! In order: my beauty icon, Scotty with the second place girl, JLo’s bedazzled vag, Broke Lewis, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, Jack Black, Janice Dickinson, Lil Jon, Aunt Becky, Randy Jackson and Tim McGraw (I so would).

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