CPS Visits The Butterfly Rainbow Kingdom Over Booze

May 26, 2011 / Posted by:

When Baby Morocco and Baby Monroe emerged from Mimi’s crystallized womb of pink amniotic fluid, a nurse at the hospital told her to drink half of a dark Guinness to get her titties lactating. After Mimi did it, somebody snitched her out to Department of Children and Family Services. Social workers from the DCFS paid Mimi a visit in the hospital, but quickly realized that some unicorn hater was obviously trying to make a story out of nothing for the tabloids. Put a sparkly sunshine sticker over that Lisa Frank folder, because the case is closed! But not really.

TMZ reports that DFCS paid Mimi another visit at her home today. Yes, they are investigating Mimi over drinking a stupid fucking beer when they are missing the real act of abuse. Mimi played one of her songs during labor. Now that is the real shit that will screw a newborn up.

According to TMZ’s source, social workers interviewed Mimi and a few others at the house. They monitored Mimi with her twins and poked around the house. After all of that, they declared that Mimi is a fit mother and the twins are in a healthy environment. The case is now really closed.

Yes, it was all kinds of ridiculous for Child Services to waste their time and money investigating Mimi over a Guinness when across town a toddler is probably getting beat in the head with a Guinness, but at least I learned something from this. I did not know that Guinness makes your nipples squirt leche. Now I can tell my friends that the milky white discharge spilling out of my nipples isn’t from some kind of chest Chlamydia (Warning: do not tap your nipples with peens you don’t know). I’m just lactating from drinking too much Guinness!

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