Maria’s torment isn’t that her husband of 25 years down low dicked a secret love child out of the maid, it’s that she’s been forced to share a magazine cover with a spotlight-fucking plastic Thundercat and her publicity stunt partner who looks like an F-list gay-for-pay porn star named Gaylor Lautner.
If a Kardashian doesn’t announce her engagement in a magazine, it didn’t happen, so Mama Kris worked her pimp magic and got her main ho the cover of People! Yes, Kim Kardashian is engaged to a dude who has the same name as her mom.
Kim says that on May 18th, she sashayed into the bedroom of her Beverly Hills home and found Kris Humphries on bended knee in front of dozens of rose petals that spelled out: “Will You Marry Me?” Kim didn’t mention this, but I’m sure production assistants from her soon-to-be announced E! reality show Kim & Kris Get Engaged are the ones who laid out the petals. Since Kim can’t move her face anymore, Pimp Mama Kris had to run out from the bathroom and loosen the Botox with a blow dryer. That way Kim could show some kind of emotion for the cameras. Kim goes on:
“I didn’t expect this at all. I was in such shock. I never thought it would happen at home, and I never thought now.”
Alienface, please! Don’t act like you didn’t spend hours practicing saying the word “yes” that was written for you on a script by the writer of your reality show.
Of course, Pimp Mama Kris threw an engagement party just hours after Kris put a 20.5 carat diamond ring on Kim’s finger. (Yes, 20 FUCKING carats! Kim’s ass lips weigh less than that ring and that’s saying a lot). The party sounds like a beautiful event that only a horse abuser could love, “Kris really didn’t want a big celebration, but he had jokingly told my mom he’d be fine if there were mini-horses there. Later that night at the party, my mom brought out two mini-horses, covered in glitter, for us! It was hysterical!”
Yes, you stupid piece of trash, two sedated mini-horses with glitter in their ears and the look of fear in their eyes from having to entertain a bunch of snakes sounds absolutely hysterical! But what was more hysterical was the sight of Ryan Seacrest squealing in the corner about how he has enough shows to last until the next Rapture. Coming soon: Kim & Kris Get Engaged! Kim & Kris Get Married! Kim & Kris Have A Baby! Kim & Kris Get Divorced! Kim & Satan Renew Their Contract!