Pimp Mama Kris Strikes Again!
Maria's torment isn't that her husband of 25 years down low dicked a secret love child out of the maid, it's that she's been forced to share a magazine cover with a spotlight-fucking plastic Thundercat and her publicity stunt partner who looks like an F-list gay-for-pay porn star named Gaylor Lautner.
If a Kardashian doesn't announce her engagement in a magazine, it didn't happen, so Mama Kris worked her pimp magic and got her main ho the cover of People! Yes, Kim Kardashian is engaged to a dude who has the same name as her mom.
Kim says that on May 18th, she sashayed into the bedroom of her Beverly Hills home and found Kris Humphries on bended knee in front of dozens of rose petals that spelled out: "Will You Marry Me?" Kim didn't mention this, but I'm sure production assistants from her soon-to-be announced E! reality show Kim & Kris Get Engaged are the ones who laid out the petals. Since Kim can't move her face anymore, Pimp Mama Kris had to run out from the bathroom and loosen the Botox with a blow dryer. That way Kim could show some kind of emotion for the cameras. Kim goes on:
"I didn't expect this at all. I was in such shock. I never thought it would happen at home, and I never thought now."
Alienface, please! Don't act like you didn't spend hours practicing saying the word "yes" that was written for you on a script by the writer of your reality show.
Of course, Pimp Mama Kris threw an engagement party just hours after Kris put a 20.5 carat diamond ring on Kim's finger. (Yes, 20 FUCKING carats! Kim's ass lips weigh less than that ring and that's saying a lot). The party sounds like a beautiful event that only a horse abuser could love, "Kris really didn't want a big celebration, but he had jokingly told my mom he'd be fine if there were mini-horses there. Later that night at the party, my mom brought out two mini-horses, covered in glitter, for us! It was hysterical!"
Yes, you stupid piece of trash, two sedated mini-horses with glitter in their ears and the look of fear in their eyes from having to entertain a bunch of snakes sounds absolutely hysterical! But what was more hysterical was the sight of Ryan Seacrest squealing in the corner about how he has enough shows to last until the next Rapture. Coming soon: Kim & Kris Get Engaged! Kim & Kris Get Married! Kim & Kris Have A Baby! Kim & Kris Get Divorced! Kim & Satan Renew Their Contract!
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detoxifier undrinkable mores Fibrosis
He looks like his entire vocabulary consists of; "I lift things up, and put them down"
Ugly people get married every day. This is news?
The size of the ring is clearly compensating.
For his probably small peen, AND the length of their marriage. They've only been together for six months.
A military couple I know dated for 1.5 years prior to marriage one year ago,and they've only lived together for 5 months. They're getting divorced now. Even THEY did better than these two will.
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I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, I felt something die,
Cause I knew that
That was the last time,
The last time
-Adele
You're shining on this one, MK. Hilarious and dead on.
Her fiance looks like he moves his mouth, slowly, while he reads.
He does look kinda like a bootleg Taylor Lautner lol! Oh well, you gotta take what you can get.
Congrats to Kimmie and her fame-whoring mother and family...
PIMP PIMP HOORAY!!!
MK, you seriously had me dyin' on this post. Good shit.
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"oh what do you know about love, you little frizzy-haired pollyanna??"
God she's like a fatter version of Lil' Kim.
In this day and age, with our economy so bad and so many people struggling just to make ends meet, it is OBSCENE to be wearing a ring that big and expensive, let alone be showing it off. Disgusting.
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
1) Didn't even know these two were dating. Probably because I didn't care though.
2) I just can't get myself to wish this skank clan well, I hope the marriage is a disaster immediately.
3) There is never a need for a ring that big. When a guy buys a ring like that it's not because he wants to, it's because he thinks he has to and it's really pathetic that men thinks a slut like Kim deserves that. Even if there were a woman "deserving" a ring that size, it's still unnecessary.
Not spelled "karats"?
...........
"At the end of the day, they will pay the price for being a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, they could afford to eat at a modest restaurant." (Alan Partridge)
Did they get a pic of Paris being told the news?
This is going to make her one good eye go wonky.
Isn't the hand patting the stomach a pregnant chick move? Please don't let this pig be knocked up.
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Golden Shower Girls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq0Jr2VwlUY
WHOOOOOOOOOO the FUCK cares????? Some fat chick and her giant getting hitched. So the fuck what?
He looks like a mong
This fat ass is worse then parasite when it comes to craving attention. That hired piece looks as dumb as a box of rocks.
Yuck! he's gay and fug!
********* SAVE A LIFE. ADOPT A PET *********
If she has any kids, her ass is going to need its own zip code.
$2 million dollars for the ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really???
I'm betting good money Melinda Gates didn't get a $2 million dollar ring for her engagement, neither did Kate Middleton. Shit Kate got his mother's ring. Both Wills and Bill Gates have billions and still wouldn't spend that kind of money on a ring. That's dumb and gaudy, someone will rob her ass for that ring. He only made 3.5 million this year and that's not including taxes, manager and etc. Before that he was only making 1.5 or so. This is a fraud it has to or he is the stupidest mixed dude in the world.
Submitted by SpiceDong on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 1:24pm.
not happening...he looks white and gay...Kim doesn't roll that way.
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Spicy, Kris is biracial: black dad, white mom. Plus he's 5 years younger then Kim. Just her type.
Disco Ball Engagement Ring; Whoretrashian's second marriage, this is just for a reality show...then she will cut off the engagement right before the "big wedding" and go get more ass injections...and be a playa again...btw, this bitch is a whore any man who wants to get with that must like aliens and airheads (and std's)all in one..she really sucks...and not in a good way either.
Lovers want to love,
Haters want to hate,
I just wanna do
None of the above,
I wanna piss on you,
drip, drip, drip...
Submitted by SpiceDong on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 1:24pm.
not happening...he looks white and gay...Kim doesn't roll that way.
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Ha-ha - my sentiments exactly.
However a 20-c diamond is one hellva consolation prize. I'd like to see a man get that kinda diamond back. Hell, she can buy a vacation home to go pout in if (when) it goes south.
not happening...he looks white and gay...Kim doesn't roll that way.
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"A hole's a hole as long as there's a little heat in there." - suckandfuck
"The dudes look plucked and pampered while the chicks look fucked and tampered. I love it." - MK
·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><
"Submitted by jsanto24 on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 12:44pm.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:41am.
from Celebuzz where they also kiss major Kartrashian arse:
"Kongrats
Kim is on cloud nine!! She is marry a professional athlete and he is 1/2 black. Kris’ father is african american and he owns a 5 Guys and Burger Restaurant in Minnesota. "
YAY! FREE FOOD !!
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Wait a sec! Five Guys?!?!?! Oh hell, I'd marry this guy too!!!"
Had he owned five In-N-Outs, this would have made my heart flutter.
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.
I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:41am.
from Celebuzz where they also kiss major Kartrashian arse:
"Kongrats
Kim is on cloud nine!! She is marry a professional athlete and he is 1/2 black. Kris’ father is african american and he owns a 5 Guys and Burger Restaurant in Minnesota. "
YAY! FREE FOOD !!
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Wait a sec! Five Guys?!?!?! Oh hell, I'd marry this guy too!!!
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*Beauty fades, but bitchiness gets better with age!* - MK
I just read her engagement ring cost $2 million.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Where's Blohan. I want her to five finger discount that shit of this fucking ape.
Oh God, so fucking transparant. There are absolutely ZERO pictures of these two fuck-faces spending any time at all together, and suddenly they're getting married? There's another stupid reality show in the works.
http://www.galleryoftheabsurd.com/2011/02/the-kardashian-fame-beast-is-s...
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Situation no win
Rush for a change of atmosphere
I can't go on so I give in
Gotta get myself right out of here
Submitted by Classof1997 on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 11:47am.
What a sad world we live in when a Kartrashian gets a full cover and the devastation in Joplin gets a small corner.
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Could'nt have said it any better myself.
Please. Next.
~~~~
Hedley Lamarr: "Repeat after me: I..."
Men: "I..."
Hedley Lamarr: "...your name..."
Men: "...your name..."
Hedley Lamarr: *Shmucks.* -Blazing Saddles
Submitted by Stoney on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 11:25am.
Submitted by Junebuggy on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:02am.
CAN'T.TAKE.IT.
*gets machete*
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No, Stoney!! Don't do it!! There's plenty more kraziness to kome. They'll get married on Kristmas day, honeymoon in Kancun... she'll start popping out kids named Karissma, Kevin, and Keisha... they'll buy a little kottage in Konnecticut... they'll drive a Kamry.... oh god... someone help me... I kan't stop!!.........
Kim Kardashian is married? Ooh, I'm so impressed! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
And there's no money in the world that would convince me to fuck her, let alone marry her. Look at Kim, she just screams "I'm a dirty, messy, spit-covered pig!"
"Alienface, please!" L O L! LMAO! She PG or something? They are doing the hand over the tummy thing.
I don't know who's worse, Pimp Mama Kris or Papa Joe Simpson. Of course they'll have a wedding special that E! will advertise as the "wedding of the year!" I bet the Kunty Kardashian family watched the royal wedding. I'm waiting for Kim's fans to start making homemade wedding memorabilia...Kim & Kris baby wipes anyone?
What a sad world we live in when a Kartrashian gets a full cover and the devastation in Joplin gets a small corner.
okay, this is hilarious. On Facebook, the people.com page......so many people ragging. Yet any defender/supporter of Kim has mangled grammar, and can't spell. Some examples:
"I couldnt be more happier for her....
i hope to find happiness too some.day...."
"CONGRATS 2 HER...AND 2 ALL U HATERS GET A DAMN LIFE SO MANY JEALOUS PPL. SHE GOT WHAT SHE DESERVES SHE IS A HARD WORKING LADY LIKE ALL OF HER FAMILY!!!!!
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Situation no win
Rush for a change of atmosphere
I can't go on so I give in
Gotta get myself right out of here
who cares about these two! She doesn't do anything worthwhile so why should I care?
P.S. Go smell your fingers!
Forget the pee pee.....I'd pay money I do not have to see a tape of her receiving a HOT LUNCH.
Awesome!
urbandictionary.com
#########
I love butt wipes, and I cannot lie!
"Submitted by Hoegarten on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 11:04am.
So I am about to turn 28. I have no b/f and no job where i can meet college men. Is there hope for me to get married? This would give me hope except this is probably a publicity stunt...
Remember in the 90's when people said "hey, its the 90s right?""
I'm 27, single and haven't had a serious boyfriend in two years. This bitch (Kim Kardashian) has herpes and she's engaged. Life is so unfair.
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.
I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."
Submitted by Junebuggy on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:02am.
CAN'T.TAKE.IT.
*gets machete*
_____________________________________________
"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
That oaf looks like he's thinking, "Whuh? How did I get here? What did they slip in my drink?"
*********
I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
So I am about to turn 28. I have no b/f and no job where i can meet college men. Is there hope for me to get married? This would give me hope except this is probably a publicity stunt...
Remember in the 90's when people said "hey, its the 90s right?"
Once again, I blame all the stupid people who have watched their shows. If not for them, this wouldn't be shoved in our faces....
And I still think Kim wants Reggie Bush back. This guy is a HUGE step down.
*********************************************
Situation no win
Rush for a change of atmosphere
I can't go on so I give in
Gotta get myself right out of here
"wow, i had to leave my offices, I am crying! So, so happy for my Sister Kim Kardashian.Finally she met the Prince.WOW"
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LOL! She met Prince months ago DUH!
WTH does that have to do with THIS!?
♥ Threadkilla!
EveryStrangersEyes long lost baby video uncovered!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAQra8wJ0ws
(thanks sugarfreeredbull:)
No wonder it's hard for this bitch to get married. I have to ask myself: Do I even WANT a man who's totally cool when I say :YES! I'll marry you! And then get straight on the phone to People Mag to set up a photoshoot...? No, I don't think I do. I want a man who'd say: WTF? Am I marrying People Magazine? No - I am not, you stupid bitch. Gimme that ring; I changed my mind. THAT's the man I want to marry!
♥ Threadkilla!
EveryStrangersEyes long lost baby video uncovered!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAQra8wJ0ws
(thanks sugarfreeredbull:)
Submitted by MyFingersHurt on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:14am.
The comments by Kim's fans on her announcement page are HILARIOUS: http://kimkardashian.celebuzz.com/2011/05/25/kim-kardashian-kris-humphri...
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LOL! I liked:
"I wrote on my room wall Kimberly and Kris Humphries. I am so ecstatic right now"
How old is this person?? I think they're deleting the negative comments, it's all too gushy
Submitted by little_rascal on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:47am.
Sucky, now tell the truth, would you hit it?
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no!!!!!!!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
be proud you are marrying a man who is so fucking ugly, Kim. Lamar is better looking than this giant.
and let's all wait and see whether they make it down the aisle. I ain't holding my breath.
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Situation no win
Rush for a change of atmosphere
I can't go on so I give in
Gotta get myself right out of here
Submitted by suckandfuck on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:17am.
Submitted by MyFingersHurt on Wed, 05/25/2011 - 10:14am.
I think my favorite is this one: "wow, i had to leave my offices, I am crying!
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OH LAWDY this one was also my favorite, I am going to save this line for the next time another animal gets engaged to a caveman
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Sucky, now tell the truth, would you hit it?