You know how Courtney Love said that if you drink Ayahuasca tea a wise old black man will take you on fantastical journey of spiritual fuckery, or some shit? I think Courtney Love got it wrong. If you drink Ayahuasca, you’ll hallucinate the final episode of Oprah, because that shit took me into the roots of a mighty oak tree and didn’t let me go. Oprah PREACHED (in ALL-CAPS like that) hard.
Oprah didn’t come out, rip off her skin suit and reveal she’s the real Jesus before telling the audience to look under their seats for VIP tickets to the Rapture. Gayle also didn’t come out, grab Oprah by the hand and lead her to a church where all her past guests greeted her with smiles. None of that happened. Instead, Oprah spent the entire hour preaching out a motivational speech and reflecting on what she’s learned during the past 25 years. Even Maya Angelou was like, “Too much, girl. Too much.” Here’s a few pieces of what The Mighty O said today:
Your real job in life is to figure out what your calling is, and then do it.
You can help somebody, you can listen, you can forgive, you can heal, you have the power to change someone’s life. Start embracing the life that is calling you, and use your life to serve the world.
Take responsibility for your life. You are responsible for the energy you create for yourself and the energy you bring to others.
You don’t have to depend on anyone else. ’Jerry Maguire’ was just a movie. No one completes you.
Pay it forward. Be that safe harbor for somebody else. Connect, embrace, liberate, love somebody, just one person, then spread that to two, then as many as you can. You’ll see the difference it makes.
For all of you who get riled up when I mention God and you want to know which God I’m talking about, I’m talking about the same one you’re talking about. I’m talking about the alpha and omega, the omniscient, the underpresent, the ultimate consciousness, the source, the force, the all of everything there is, the one and only G-o-d. That’s the one I’m talking about. God is love. And god is life. And your life is always speaking to you.
THE HELL?! I thought Oprah was going to spend the hour spilling the real shit. You know, talking about how she once got drunk and made out with Suze Orman in her meditation room. Or how Dr. Phil always has coke breath. Or how she and Gayle fried up that wagon of lard she brought out and ate it with a side of home fries. Instead of that, Oprah spewed out a bunch of lyrics from a Lady Gaga song. What the hell kind of farewell is that?!