When I was a kid, our neighbor would have these pool parties every now and again for everyone on the block. Almost every single time, these brats from the neighborhood would show up in nothing but their chonies. The little boy wore his Underoos and the girl wore panties with a tank top. There we were, in our trunks, bathing suits and oversized t-shirts (for the fat kids) and there they were looking like drunk college students who just broke into the school pool. And their mother would wear a proper bathing suit with a sarong and everything, so I’m not sure what their deal was. I didn’t have the sense back then to ask them why they insisted on showing us their wet part prints.
But it’s obvious that one of those kids grew up to be Aubrey O’Day, because here’s the human makeup puff in JcPenney bridal lingerie at a pool party in Las Vegas yesterday. You know, I’m not mad, though.
There’s something about ill-fitting white lingerie, tummy tuck scars, painted on abs, topple over titties and third-degree Kardashian face that just screams ELEGANCE! Or maybe it’s screaming something totally different and I should get an ear wash.