Katy Perry is about to yodel while shooting sparkler flames out of her tits all over the country, but before she can do that she has a few things she’d like to go over with concert promoters. Katy Perry’s 45-page rider, snatched from The Smoking Gun, has been making the rounds and it tells us what makes Katy smile with her mouth and what makes Katy frown with her mouth. Basically, Katy loves orchids, presidential suites, egg chairs, Huggies baby wipes (insert obligatory Terrence Howard smile here), refrigerators with glass doors and freeze dried strawberry. Katy hates carnations and chatty drivers with staring problems. You can read the Cliff Note’s version here, but below are the highlights.
1. While Lady Caca requests a plastic egg to recharge her ego in, Katy Perry wants two egg chairs and one footstool. IN CREAM! If cream is not available for whatever reason, then it’s okay to get white and paint them with the blended skin of a cream colored employee.
2. Katy would like a fresh flower bouquet in her dressing room. You know, just throw some white and pink hydrangeas in a crystal vase filled with a few peonies, roses and orchids. But whatever you do, do not throw carnations in there. NOOOOOOO CARNATIONS! If Katy sees the glimpse of a carnation, she will run out into her prized rose garden and whack the bushes with shears while screaming at the top of her everything. Then the show will be canceled and thousands of young fans will shrivel into dead carnation petals. So don’t do it! By the way, in my rider, I’d request a bouquet of Anderson Cooper’s dirty panties. NO DIRTY SHEPARD SMITH PANTIES. Only Anderson Cooper!
3. Katy will only rest her face on a pillow in 5-star presidential suite. If only a 4-star vice-presidential suite is available, then you better stop reading this and start building a 5-star presidential suite.
4. Katy’s manager has the right to withhold the sale of a block of tickets. Katy’s manager can then sell those block of tickets to a reseller and pocket the profits.
5. Lastly, Katy has 23 rules for her driver, which includes keeping his cell phone ringer turned off, no talking to her or her fans, no staring at her through the rear-view mirror, no asking for autographs and no leaving the driver’s seat unless asked.
About the driver thing… Most people I know roll their eyes and huff out a breath of annoyance whenever a cab driver starts spilling out his life story and shit to them. Sometimes I’m like that, but then I think about all the good stories I’ve heard from cab drivers.
Like this one time, I was coming back from the airport after the worst flight ever and the only thing my ears wanted to do was sleep. I did not want to hear words coming out of anybody. And of course, when you want something, the opposite happens. The cab driver started talking and talking and talking… Just as I was about to lose it, he told me about how he thinks his wife is down low dicking his neighbor. He thought this, because the neighbor’s dog had a thing for his wife’s crotch. The dog would always greet her by sniffing on her goods. He believed that while she was fucking the neighbor, her vagina fumes made their way into the dog’s nostrils and it now craved the scent. Dude actually said, “The dog is on my side.” That story brought me back to life.
To think, if I gave him a rider with a “no talking” rule on it, he would’ve punched me out, left me on the curb and I would’ve never heard about the Joey Greco of dogs.