And So It Begins....

As Jon Cryer throws the same look of uncertainty I make when my sister takes me to a vegan restaurant and Angus T. Jones laughs at the insane amount of money he's fucking making right now (he does that a lot), Ashton Kutcher thinks about the treasures he's going to find buried in Charlie Sheen's old trailer (a silicone vagina filled with 8-balls, a hooker's right leg, who knows...).

Jon, Ashton and Angus gathered together at the CBS upfronts in NYC yesterday as the new cast of the next (and probably last) season of Two and a Half Men. Yeah, I know people are saying that CBS should just bury Two and a Half Men in the octagon next to Charlie Sheen's sanity, but let these hos make as much money as they can while it's still possible. Jon Cryer needs to buy more shiny suits. Ashton needs to buy Demi Moore a new face and a new pair of heat-resistant nipples. And Angus needs more money to drown the image of Charlie Sheen snorting yellow cocaine off of a gorilla's pec while a midget porn star threw multicolored mini marshmallows at his asshole in his trailer. So more money for them! I can still hate. But I can't fully hate.

And is it just me, or does this picture look like the three stages of a male-to-female sex change (you decide who goes with which stage).

Splash

Posted by: Michael K

•

Ashton Kutcher • Hold Me • Two and a Half Men

Submitted by Bowchickawawa on Fri, 05/20/2011 - 8:29am.

Let's hope Asston's character requires that he keep that nasty-assed, fugly hairdo because I would hate to see him lose his contest with Brad Pitt-stain to see who can sport the greasiest, ugliest head of hair in Hollywood.

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"And people try to tell me that God wasn't high on the good shit when he made this place" -by angel_i

Submitted by chestybongos on Fri, 05/20/2011 - 5:43am.

"Chesty, who's that in your avie?"

It's only Willem Dafoe from his inexplicably not oscar nominated performance in Boondock Saints.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PZXrAlMjBs

I would have gone for one of him in drag but he actually doesn't look that bad in stills.

http://www.theaterhopper.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/dafoe-...

Tell me that's not Susan Sarandon in 10 years time.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Fri, 05/20/2011 - 2:40am.

Submitted by chestybongos on Fri, 05/20/2011 - 4:02am.
"It's funny how Moore is desperately clinging to her youth while her hubby is trying to age it up."

Maybe they're hoping to meet somewhere in the middle? Say 40?
**********
Haha..very possible.

Chesty, who's that in your avie?

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"le seul vrai problème de Strauss-Kahn est son rapport aux femmes"~ Jean Quatremer,9 juillet, 2007.

Submitted by chestybongos on Fri, 05/20/2011 - 2:32am.

"It's funny how Moore is desperately clinging to her youth while her hubby is trying to age it up."

Maybe they're hoping to meet somewhere in the middle? Say 40?

Submitted by Mrs Patrick Campbell on Fri, 05/20/2011 - 1:43am.

ashton is a tall lady!

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 10:39pm.

Poor attempt at hiding the baby face. It's funny how Moore is desperately clinging to her youth while her hubby is trying to age it up.

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Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by cprincess on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 10:21pm.

how did mr demi moore douche bag get this gig????

"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"

Submitted by dlaugher on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 9:35pm.

Submitted by Juiciest Couture on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:21pm.
Who watches network tv anyways ?? Identify yourselves because there are supposedly millions of you but I am not convinced of your existence.__________________________________________________________________

I don't have cable. we only watch network tv. nbc comedies and PBS frontline, etc. all the way, baby!
in fact, we have a flat screen and an antenna!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Amnesty International
Shine a Light

Submitted by dlaugher on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 9:32pm.

On the bright side, ashton being on TV takes him out of the movie scene. HOPEFULLY! i'm tired of my girls night out being wasted on bad ashton kutcher movies.

however, the jesus look is working for him.
i need to get that belt for my kids. it looks easy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Amnesty International
Shine a Light

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 7:50pm.

Submitted by Puppy Love on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 9:02pm.
Now that someone pointed it out, I see that AK's belt is really lame! He needs to clean himself up overall.
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That was ME! I HATE THAT BELT! GAHHHHH!!!!!

_________________________
It is simple. He is a Minister Without Portfolio.

Submitted by Puppy Love on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 7:32pm.

Now that someone pointed it out, I see that AK's belt is really lame! He needs to clean himself up overall.

Watched a 2.5 ep from 2007 tonight and Charlie's looks have gone south in the past 4 years like nothing I've ever seen. He was still (barely) holding it together then, and the skinny, hawk-nosed, meth-faced, pinched look hadn't manifested itself quite yet.

Poor, delusional Charlie. He had it all and blew it for...uh, nothing.

Submitted by Zombie Apocalypse on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 7:31pm.

And the tranny Jesus stands out like a sore bum.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 7:14pm.

TMZ held a Caption This comp on a pic of Ashton and Lorre at a coffee shop.
The winning caption was :
"Ashton, we can't change the name of the show, you're going to have to learn fractions."
Funniest thing I've ever read on TMZ.
Not surprised that none of their own staff were responsible.

Submitted by chestybongos on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 7:03pm.

I know this isn't the caption contest but if it was I'd go with "Creepy Child Toucher And His Awkwardly Effeminate 'Nephew' Are Surprised By Preppy Jesus In A Tent".

Submitted by Miaspeople on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 6:03pm.

So Jesus is on a sitcom now? Maybe there is something to that whole Rapture thing this weekend.

*clicks over to Amazon to order "Bible Banging for Beginners" with overnight express delivery*

__________________________________________________
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives. Use it. Save a life.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 5:55pm.

Ashton looks like he tried to swallow a penis and it got caught halfway down his throat.

Submitted by Tigerlilly on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 5:17pm.

Hope he sinks this show like only he can so we don't have to hear about this mess anymore. Is it not enough that one obnoxious actor got bitch slapped like he deserved? Do you have to subject us to another one, Asshole Kutcher no less, and the inevitable cameos by Demi "I can't get a job cuz I'm too hot for my age" Mwhore????? Really?
KILL IT WITH FIRE!

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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...

Submitted by harveyprice on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 5:08pm.

Asston just looks like a d-bag, no matter what he does.

"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen." -- Woodie Guthrie

Submitted by Lindalou on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:51pm.

Even if it fails theyre still going to pay him about a gazillion dollars to shove a big FU at Charlie.

In other news, is it possible that Angus is relatively clean? He looks healthy and I haven't seen any pap shots of him with a bong or anything.

Submitted by My Own Evil Twin on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:51pm.

I thought it was funny that Jon Cryer said he had hoped that someone shorter to replace Sheen. He said something like "It should be called one and two half-men."

Submitted by NDNchief on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:47pm.

"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-
Submitted by Juiciest Couture on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:21pm.
Who watches network tv anyways ?? Identify yourselves because there are supposedly millions of you but I am not convinced of your existence

Long Live "30 Rock, Community, House, Outsourced, Cougartown and Big Bang Theory" ! ! !

Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:46pm.

Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:56pm.
Submitted by WTFOMGLOL: "Amazing how 80's twins Duckie and Ferris Bueller both grew up into bloated, pitiful middle-aged men."

Don't forget James Spader.

Crying shame.
-------------------

And what happened to Andrew McCarty ? His face always looks kinda cadaverous and strange now. I watched a couple of Kingdom Hospitals, and a Monk episode, and it just doesn't just look like he's aged naturally. yeah, I know he got old, but I can't tell if he's had plastic surgery or what. he just looks kind of odd.

Submitted by cheray on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:22pm.

It might just work. Ashton is hilarious sometimes...and the show is great....its gotta fly. I cant wait....I jsut wanna know what happens to the drug addict and how they write him off. So exciting.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:09pm.

Submitted by citizenstrange on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 2:15pm.
Question: What do "Two and a Half Men", "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Big Bang Theory" have in common?

Answer: All three are based on lame dick jokes propped up on the life support of an incongruous over the top laugh track.

Chuck Lorre is responsible for Men and Bang, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas for Mother.

Instead of TV all three should be on WTFJ (Where's The Fucking Joke?) radio.
""""""""""""""""""
Lorre is also responsible for 'Mike and Molly' - apparently he found a trunk full of old fat jokes when he was cleaning out his attic and decided he needed a platform on which to air them.
Enter new sitcom.

I admit to watching Big Bang - I love Sheldon.

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 4:03pm.

What a slob he's become. I suppose he'll do fine on this pathetic refried turd of a show.

I really, REALLY hate that belt he's wearing. And the whole low-pants thing he's always doing, as if he's packing major tonnage and no ordinary pants can contain it.

_________________________
It is simple. He is a Minister Without Portfolio.

Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 3:26pm.

Submitted by WTFOMGLOL: "Amazing how 80's twins Duckie and Ferris Bueller both grew up into bloated, pitiful middle-aged men."

Don't forget James Spader.

Crying shame.

Submitted by Juiciest Couture on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 2:51pm.

Who watches network tv anyways ?? Identify yourselves because there are supposedly millions of you but I am not convinced of your existence.

Submitted by HellaciousB on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 2:40pm.

Kelso Goes to Hollywood - and goofiness ensues. Great.....I would much rather have watched a smooth Hugh Grant....

Submitted by Puppy Love on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 2:26pm.

Ashton's gotta lose the nasty facial hair and get a decent haircut--this is no time to be fighting the hot. I don't mind him as much as a lot of others on here do. Don't love him but he doesn't make me wish to vomit either.

Yeah, they do look kind of uncomfortable with each other, but this thing is brand-spanking new and they were around and used to Carlos for eight years or whatever--that's all Angus has known since he was ten! I think they're gonna be ok for a season or two.

Submitted by Joe Dabb Babbalucci on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 2:22pm.

Does the shiny suit confirm that Jon Cryer is a homosexual?

The show does not need Kushner. Let Alan Harper handle the lead chores and give Berta a bigger role.

Kill off Chucky Sheen's character. That way he can never return.

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:51pm.

"And Angus needs more money to drown the image of Charlie Sheen snorting yellow cocaine off of a gorilla's pec while a midget porn star threw multicolored mini marshmallows at his asshole in his trailer"
__________________
HOLY SHIT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well now I feel like I was right there, MK. It's like crackhead Eyewitness News.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by NDNchief on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:46pm.

"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-

@parissucksliterally. . . that's why I love this site. The things you can learn. Thanks for the dish.

Submitted by contrario on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:41pm.

My opinion of Ashton's acting skills increased after I saw his fine and funny parody of Harvey Levin.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:33pm.

NDNchief, speaking of Ted McGinley, I know someone who was fucking his wife....she got him out of debt. I'm sure Ted would love that.

**********************************************
Run fast for your mother; run fast for your father
Run for your children all your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind.
You can't carry it with you, if you want to survive

Submitted by RedWeatherTigerD on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:24pm.

Ashton better knock it off with the Jesus look.

Submitted by JudyT on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:21pm.

This is a show that I NEVER watched but now that Ashton is taking over I can truthfully say I will NEVER EVER watch it.

Submitted by NDNchief on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:18pm.

"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-

Ashton is gonna be the new Ted McGinley. When I was going to school in New Mexico(2009&spring2010) and living with a cousin in his house, I was Forced to watch this show. He always watched it and I found the show to be grating after 10 minutes. Thank GOD for the good shit and the sweet nectar or else I would have been forced to leave the house and actually excercise.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:16pm.

Ashton looks like shit on a stick. THIS is supposed to be the hot guy?

Submitted by NOT IMPRESSED on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:13pm.

When I first heard that Ashton Kutcher was stepping in, I was like, "No! WTF?!" Now, I'm okay with the idea. Kutcher is a decent TV actor with pretty good comedic timing. Plus, their success is a giant FUCK YOU to Carlos.
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Douchechill!

Submitted by Datura on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:01pm.

They should have replaced all of the leads with funny old women and called it Golden Girls.

And by that, I mean cancelling Two and Half Men and airing old Golden Girls reruns in its place.

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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb

Submitted by StickaCockinWoo... on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 1:00pm.

No wonder foreigners must think u.sa is rich when they people who don't bring in money get paid. Aston can't even open a movie, how is he going to open a show.

Please Mr. Francis Ford Coppola, make a Godfather part 4 with Talia Shire as the Godfather and Kay finally with the program.

Submitted by Dirk Diggler on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 12:59pm.

Who knows, Ashton may inject new life into this antiquated sitcom. And Demi could co-star as his grown-ass' nanny, like she did on Will and Grace for Jack. It is, after all, what she does in real life...

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 12:54pm.

I can hardly wait for the episode where Rumer Willis guest stars.

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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga

Submitted by WTFOMGLOL on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 12:53pm.

Amazing how 80's twins Duckie and Ferris Bueller both grew up into bloated, pitiful middle-aged men.

This was my favorite Duckie video. He was totally do-able. Andy chose poorly. :\

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGawOk107eU

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 12:48pm.

Duckie - WTF? Andie and Blane already left the prom.

Submitted by ewlulu on Thu, 05/19/2011 - 12:47pm.

Could they look any more uncomfortable with each other? IS he going to 'be' the Sheen character, or another dude who moves into the house?

And are they going to fix that 'my mom hates long hair so I am going to keep growing it because I am a rebellious pre-pubescent high school student' haircut?