That sound you just heard was a thousand novella-watching abuelitas throwing their favorite plastic rosaries in the air while screaming “SANTO DOS! I told ju!“, because they just knew that a secret love child was the real reason for why Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s marriage slipped into the dark abyss the same way a drop of water does when it touches their leathery skin. That’s what gluing your eyeballs to novellas for 12 hours a day will do to you.
As a camera zoomed in on a close-up of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face and melodramatic music swelled in the background, he admitted to The L.A. Times that THE SPERMINATOR has struck again! How do you say “ESCANDALOSO” in Austrian? (Answer: TUMAH!!!).
Here’s what Arnold has to say. It helps if you picture Maria Shriver slapping him back and forth in the face while several members of her family and a couple of priests try to pry her away.
“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago. I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.
I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not. “
After Arnold’s full-time side-piece had their down low love child, she continued to work for the family until she retired in January. She worked for them for a total of 20 years. Maria thought the woman had the baby with her husband. A source tells the Times that Arnold has and will continue to financially take care of his
10-year-old kid. The former side-piece and Maria both declined to comment.
To think, that all those nights Maria heard Arnold huffing, groaning and pounding in his home office, she thought he was just having a good old-fashioned Republican cry about California’s future. But no, he was barebacking the maid the entire time. I really need all parties involved to reenact this mess in a Telemundo series. I also need Arnold’s secret love child to report to the front of class so I can ask them this
UPDATE: Maria Shriver speaks: “This is a painful and heartbreaking time. As a mother, my concern is for the children. I ask for compassion, respect and privacy as my children and I try to rebuild our lives and heal. I will have no further comment.”