May 15, 2011 / Posted by:

Lady Caca now has some real genealogical evidence she can shove up the assholes of the hating haters (including yours truly) who say that she’s what you’d find if you followed a Chinatown conman into a dilapidated 5th floor walk-up apartment after he whispered in your that he’s got a genuine Madonna to sell to you. Being Madonna-like is in Caca’s blood!

Well, it’s more like if you took the tiniest drop of Madge’s blood, added 10 parts water, 20 parts blood of a hundred others, a liquified library card, the eye booger of Marilyn Manson and the saliva of a Freddie Mercury impersonator. Then you’d have the shit that is flowing through Caca’s veins. Because celebrity genealogist Chris Child tells the Boston Globe that Lady Gaga and Madge sit on the same family tree, but their branches are miles apart. Chris says that Caca and Madge are 9th cousins once removed.

Chris started researching Caca’s French Canadian side of the family and discovered that she and Madge are related through a farming couple who lived in Quebec in the 1600s. From the Boston Globe:

“They are ninth cousins once removed,’’ Child said with a sly grin.

He presented a handwritten piece of paper, which traced the relations of Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone and Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta back to a French immigrant farming couple who came to Quebec in the 1600s. Born this way, indeed.

“When I saw that Lady Gaga had French Canadian ancestry I thought there might be something there,’’ said Child, who started working at the Newbury Street institution as a 16-year-old intern in 1997.

Saying their ninth cousins twice removed is just a fancy way of saying that they are about as related as my b-hole is to Anderson Cooper’s lips. Since I put it that way, this is probably the reason why Mah Boo never returns all the frantic voicemails I leave for him on the CNN tip line at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday. Mah Boo is probably my thirtieth cousin thrice removed from the unicorn anus and he really doesn’t want to get involved in any incest shit. This won’t stop me from licking the screen every time he giggles, but it will give me an explanation to tell my cousins when they ask me why I always save a spot for Mah Boo at the family Christmas table.

And here’s Madge’s ninth cousin taking fuckery by the horns while leaving her hotel in London last night. It looks like tiny Michael Jackson legs are sprouting out of her damn head.

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