"Some Art Needs To Be Left In The Doggone Museum!"
If I lived in a house, I too would have an exquisitely tacky bootleg statue of Michelangelo's David in my front yard, because I believe that one should get all of their landscape ideas from Norwood Young. But the residents of Lollipop Lane (I can't) in Abilene, Texas do not agree with me, because they are throwing up their hands and calling the local news over a rock hard dick decoration that is tainting their children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These complainers must piss through a tiny hole in their taints and only use their genitals for hardcore fucking, because they think a statue of a naked dude is forcing them to talk to their children about sex. One stone peen hater said, "What can you tell a child when you haven't talked to them about sex yet?" Hmmm. Well, I'm no child psychologist, but I supposed if they ask what thing on David is you could say, "It's a penis." But maybe the word "penis" will cause their ears to fall off and crawl into the bowels of hell to be devoured by Satan's minions. Or they could just tell their children it's a fat worm nibbling on a pair of figs.
But seriously, there's only one way to solve this. The neighbor should get himself a naked cherub statue to place below David. Then the neighbor should turn David into a fountain and make it so that he's pissing onto a cherub's nalgas. That will definitely teach the children that penises are for pissing and not for any sex stuff. CRISIS AVERTED!
By the way, can somebody give me directions to the Doggone Museum, because you know how much I love KITTENS!!! (I'm guessing all dogs are gone from that museum. Yes, I'll hand you the GONG on my way out.)
(Thanks to Bradley M for sending this in!)
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Submitted by angel_i on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 3:00pm.
Why? They don't gots no penises at home?
But really this is a great opportunity to mold your children!
Some examples!:
What's that?
It's a penis. It makes pee pee. And babies.
What's that?
It's a penis, stupid!
What's that?
It's an abomination! Look away look away!
Why's that guy nekkid?
Cuz he's gay - they din't let gays wear clothes back then.
Why's that guy nekkid?
Cuz he's a stupid retard and if you don't want to be a stupid retard you won't EVER get nekkid outside!
Why's that guy's balls so big?
Well, I guess you need some pretty big balls to stand around nekkid long enuff for someone to make a statue out of you.
LMAO!!!!
If the statue was peeing or something, I could understand the objection. That would just be rude to Michelangelo.
I would rather see a penis on a piece of great art than one episode of "Jersey Shore."
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
I've always felt that Michelangelo's 'David' had a bit of a beer gut on him - so I agree with the neighbours - not the best role model.
The way this homeowner has the statue of David so prominently displayed in his front yard like this makes me think he is doing this with the intention of stirring up controversy. You wouldn't place a naked satue like that in your FRONT YARD if you didn't want to draw attention to yourself and get everyone talking about you. He should do the honorable thing and just take the damn thing down to keep the peace in his neighborhood but I can tell he's going to leave it up as long as he can or until someones MAKES him take it down..
is this really what this country has come to? are we all a bunch of 12 yr olds that can't appreciate a classic piece of art that is as far removed from pornography and indecency as can be? i mean really, grow up. i'd be happy for my kids to see this than any of the violent, women-hating shit that passes for "entertainment" these days.
Best buy up all the Statue of David replicas and display them proudly, before Ronnie destroys the original while on a Sambuca bender on the next season of the Jersey Shore.
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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga
Submitted by Bjork You on Sun, 05/15/2011 - 10:33am.
LOL @ Veggie Pride parade. Sounds like SF's B2B race.
Enjoy your day off.
Submitted by RustyHooligan: "A couple of random thoughts:
It's possible this neighborhood has recorded regulations that limit how you can decorate?
If not, and I were an upset neighbor, I'd decorate my own lawn with the tackiest gnomes, jockeys, donkeys, and flamingos I could find."
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Thought and action are things that have been easily eluding the women in that neighborhood. The news crew (that you probably called rather than knock on Mr. and Mr. Homeysexual's door) is on its way, and you come out of the house...in those clothes.
Off topic: The Veggie Pride parade is marching past my window. There is a walking carrot. Really. He seems perturbed that no one is eating him. He has a smiley face, but his body language is saying something else. I can just feel it.
Submitted by lilmoomoo on Sat: "You don't use a penis only for sex; I heard a man can pee from it too! :o"
There are many uses for the peen. One can write one's name in the snow with one's urine, if one so pleases. While one's lover is sucking one's testicles, one can bounce one's penis on said lover's head. One can amuse one's lover by drawing a face on one's penis head or putting it between a hot dog bun.
A couple of random thoughts:
It's possible this neighborhood has recorded regulations that limit how you can decorate?
If not, and I were an upset neighbor, I'd decorate my own lawn with the tackiest gnomes, jockeys, donkeys, and flamingos I could find.
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart: "I would laugh my ass off, if this shit didn`t hit close to home. My son said a word describing the male genitalia in lunchline. Which resulted in a visit by CPS, cause after all, when an autistic kid uses a word found in a dictionary, which a doctor would use (not urban TYVM), that HAS to mean he is being molested. BY ME. His mom. Yes, that happened. And what an coincidence. In Texas.
Those accusations happened years ago, and i still wanna punch motherfuckers out over it...."
WHAT. THE. FUCK. I recently heard this story about a park acquaintance. She was in the park scolding one of her two boys. She might have smacked one, I'm not sure. Some jerk in the park called the cops on her! Sorry, but she's the parent, and I know that she is not abusive. She is a single parent who works her ass off, and she's raising two big, rambunctious boys. As for your story, UBF, I wish you could have said in the meeting, "He said penis, not cock, dick, or schlong, you assholes, I mean, anuses." I'm angry and saddened to read this.
I have a great idea. Tell your children to google "Michaelangelo's David" and educate them in art and art history. Not only will they discover this amazing art treasure but many many more exquisite works from this master. It might not hurt to explain to your children that the human body is a beautiful remarkable creation and should be viewed as an expression of the greatest artist there ever was,GOD. WOW I posted someting serious for a change LOLOLOL.
Andre,could you bring me my fan,,could you bake it in a cake or stick it up your ass or something? I must have my fan RIGHT AWAY"
Submitted by suckandfuck: "And the filthy homo agenda continues, poisoning and attempting to convert your children into DICK LOVING SCOUNDRELS!!!"
This is what folks in my profession call a teachable moment. "What is that, Mommy?" provides a parent with the opening to talk about the peen in all its glory. Forget that art and that Michealangelo dude (remember "Misery" when Cathy Bates's character refers to him as that dago [sp?] who painted the Sistene Chapel?). I would go right into the fine art of fellatio, and how it's important to gently, gently nibble (just let the tip of the peen softly graze the the bottom teeth as the point of your tongue slowly slides under the penis) and that one must not neglect the balls. I'd save the lessons about sliding the rusty trombone for junior high.
If it's a replica of great art, IMHO, kids should be able to see it. If these uptight parents took their kids to Rome, would they refuse to let the kids into the Sistine Chapel because OH NOES there are naked people on the ceiling! Their minds will be corrupted! SHIELD THEIR EYES FROM THE PAINTED NAKED PEOPLE!
Besides, it's not like it's obscene or anything. It's just a guy who happens to be naked. It's not like he's having sex with a stone cow or anything. And you don't need to have talked to a kid about sex for them to know what a penis is! Most kids already know!
And Michaelangelo would have thought it was stupid, gay or not gay. The Renaissance artists thought the human body was awesome and should be shown off whenever possible. I mean, he also sculpted old men as well as pretty young men.
Also, I'm detecting a bit of homo-hate here. So, they have a problem with the statue but nobody's bothered to knock on the door, they have to CALL THE NEWS to do a story on the statue? Who DOES that? Do they assume that the gay guys are always having an orgy in there?
Also, the way that woman talked about "that EXPRESSION OF YOURSELF" sounds like she's saying, "We don't mind gay people in the neighborhood as long as they keep their Renaissance statues out of sight, because of course only gay people would be depraved enough to have naked statues."
Me, if I had a kid I would just say, "That's a statue, honey." If the kid meant the penis, I would just say it was a penis, and it's boy-private-parts. That's usually all kids want to know.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Submitted by harveyprice on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 8:19pm.
This shit is pretty common in most of the Italian neighborhoods around here.
I agree with Harvey, I live in NJ and there are statues of goddesses with their tits hanging out allover and no one says anything,. The development looks trashy anyway, look at the group of slags complaining, I bet in a few months they'll have to foreclose on the homes and move so I wouldn't be bothered anyway.
Emma Grace Frost
@Mike, you may be right, about the homeowners being gay. I hadn't thought of that - I guess I figured they were just gavones but they wouldn't be welcome in that neighborhood either.
It looked to me like 3 or 4 people were "protesting" this "outrage" but the rest of the people in the neighborhood? Well...?
@CSG - go right ahead!
Reminds me of that South park episode with the mouse with a schlong on it's back.
"Eeek, a penis!"
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
Submitted by Mrs Patrick Campbell on Sun, 05/15/2011 - 2:46am.
our only objectia to the statue is that the 'meat' is tinymeat!!!!
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It may be small but it's as hard as a rock!
our only objectia to the statue is that the 'meat' is tinymeat!!!!
Submitted by agirl on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 7:29pm.
I wonder what Michelangelo would think of all this. He was ghey, no? Imagine if those sweatpants-wearing moms had not dropped out of high school, and they knew that li'l fact!
I have a suspicion that the people who live in the house ARE gay and that, just as much as the statue itself, is the problem (insofar as the nosy neighbors are concerned).
I also suspect that the police department's nonchalant stance on the complaints is mostly because the folks complaining are mostly black.
So, in other words, people in general are petty and awful.
This shit is pretty common in most of the Italian neighborhoods around here.
"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen." -- Woodie Guthrie
Submitted by sinjin on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 7:41pm.
To the person who wrote Abilene was awful, I agree (lived there as a child), however Amarillo is WORSE! (Lived there too.)
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Amarillo isn't as bad as the outlying towns near AMA, which is where I lived for a while. It seems the bible belt towns love to outrage at dumb stuff like this.
GET OFF MY LAWN!! = What I used to say to the 8,000 kids my Ukranian neighbors had. I suggest this homeowner do the same. I hate ignorant, nosy fucking neighbors.
To the person who wrote Abilene was awful, I agree (lived there as a child), however Amarillo is WORSE! (Lived there too.)
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"You're ugly and your fucking bag is ugly too."--John Galliano (allegedly)
Submitted by agirl on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 7:29pm
Things were so much simpler when I was a kid. None of these fancy words for dirty nasty body parts. You had to work to see a weenus, too, they weren't just parked on the lawn like a plastic flamingo for anybody walking by to get an eyeful. Kids today have it easy if you ask me.
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ROFL - OMG agirl, thank you, I'm wiping the tears from my eyes. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to make "You had to work to see a weenus..." my new siggie.
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Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!! - MK 4/9/11
Submitted by Terri
Kids aren't that rigid. Parents are.
A-fucking-men. I hate when people try to blame their own moronic behavior on their kids or pretend they're just trying to 'save the children.' The kids don't give a crap about that tacky statue.
Submitted by yucko
Uh, what the fuck does she mean by that? I hate it when people are just talking and trying to say something 'intelligent' and they're just spewing out whatever scraps they can manage.
Yeah, I noticed that, too. Made absolutely no sense. And since they're the ones who called the news crew, you'd think they prepare themselves better rather than pulling shit out of their asses.
I wonder what Michelangelo would think of all this. He was ghey, no? Imagine if those sweatpants-wearing moms had not dropped out of high school, and they knew that li'l fact!
All this talk about penises and vaginas. What happened to "doo-dahs" and "hoo-hahs"? *heavy sigh* Things were so much simpler when I was a kid. None of these fancy words for dirty nasty body parts. You had to work to see a weenus, too, they weren't just parked on the lawn like a plastic flamingo for anybody walking by to get an eyeful. Kids today have it easy if you ask me.
Seriously, do these moms think their kids don't already know how to find pics and video of pee-pees in action online?
The owners of that home should cover David's doo-dah up and charge 50 cents for a peek. Make some money, it will be better than a lemonade stand and you never run out. And for a dollar I'll tell ya what your mama does with it.
Submitted by agirl on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 7:29pm.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
"To have this type of... expression of yourself... to put out, you know, it's a little daunting."
Uh, what the fuck does she mean by that? I hate it when people are just talking and trying to say something 'intelligent' and they're just spewing out whatever scraps they can manage.
If I was going to complain, I'd be complaining about that barren-ass lawn with no curb appeal (seems like they all looked that way) and how the "statue of David" is just a tacky substitute.
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 6:33pm.
I blame my comments on one of the deadliest combinations known to man - PMS, Chardonnay and a frustrating Irish-Catholic upbringing.
Hmmm. Well, at least two of those you can do nothing about. I'd uptick on the Chardonnay, then.
These people are so stupid. I used to teach guitar and I loaned this kid the book for Nirvana Nevermind. His mom flipped out because there is a naked baby on it and acted like that's why I loaned it to him.
So think about this. I realize that Lady Gaga with her history of everything librarian knowledge is really hard to take but these are the people you should be mad at; not her. These morons make her and marilyn manson and all those other clowns relevant. maybe... anyway, this woman explaining about the offense of all this should be wearing a burka because her look is really upsetting to me.
http://soundcloud.com/burning_plastic
http://twitter.com/#!/burning_plastic
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 6:23pm.
Rusty - I blame my comments on one of the deadliest combinations known to man - PMS, Chardonnay and a frustrating Irish-Catholic upbringing. If I didn't make jokes, I'd end up as one of those wild-haired women featured on "Investigation ID".
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Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!! - MK 4/9/11
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 5:33pm.
Since Mrs. Patrick Campbell hasn't checked in yet, I'll ask the most important questions: David appears to be a tinymeat homosexual. Are there nudes of...oh wait, there are nudes. Never mind.
hahahaha. You're being esply funny today. Now stop it!
I think to complete the intended beauty and grace of this lawn ornamentation, there should be and accompanying sculpture of England's Rose...belt around the tittay balls and all...You Dlisters know who I'm talking about...This way chirruns would see a demure goddess next to a NEKKID man...This would calm them from their I'M TRAUMATIZED BY A CEMENT PENIS enevitable toddler fit....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
Looks like the vile garden suburb I live in.
*squirms*
Since Mrs. Patrick Campbell hasn't checked in yet, I'll ask the most important questions: David appears to be a tinymeat homosexual. Are there nudes of...oh wait, there are nudes. Never mind.
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Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!! - MK 4/9/11
All I see is a bunch of bored housewives looking for something to complain about because they don't have anything else to do.
...My darling can't you see
My heart sounds just for you my dear...
....and not ONE of those complainers ever KNOCKED ON THEIR DOOR and asked them about the statue directly?? Mind. Blown.
...oh wait, that one lady said she'd go talk to them in a few days....if she found the time.....right...
"Mom, what's that?" my son would ask.
"It's a statue" I would say.
"Can we go to Chickfila" he would ask next.
Kids aren't that rigid. Parents are.
omg UBF really??? There are so many truly and obviously abused kids out there, wtf CPS???
OT, Mr. Mercury is right, but they should hang the TX flag properly since there's already a flagpole.
That is one rough looking David. I could definitely see it opening up a family conversation about kitsch and that buying things like art-replicas from The Christmas Tree Shop is a poor decision.
Submitted by TheHeckler on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 3:11pm.
In fairness, this delicately printed fabric apron is best worn whilst working with splashing, hot oil.
I just wouldn't want to be staring at junk while I ate or worrying about plucking pubes from my teefs. Wait: it's art, isn't it?
Of course it was Texas. sigh.
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What's up, douchebag?
Lollipop Lane. snort. I can't either. If you can't separate a penis from sex, I don't know what to tell these morons. Maybe they should just stick a giant lollipop over it.
UBF - I HATE CPS!
It's my job to be critical of them (REALLY!!!) and it's not hard! Stupid asses! Kisses to your kiddos. Maybe he was describing the principal's bald head.
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Submitted by Fraggle: I vary between 665 and 667, depending on hormones.
Submitted by lilmoomoo on Sat, 05/14/2011 - 3:51pm.
You don't use a penis only for sex; I heard a man can pee from it too! :o
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BLASPHEMY! *Smears Mederma stretch-mark cream around lips*
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Submitted by Fraggle: I vary between 665 and 667, depending on hormones.
You don't use a penis only for sex; I heard a man can pee from it too! :o
That's so wrong, Uncle Brain-fart. My older son is 14, autistic and obsessed with the word penis right now. I can't tell you how grateful I am that we're not in the states because I'd probably have been in trouble by now. People need to lighten the fuck up and go after the assholes who are really hurting kids, like botox bitch mom or even octomom. Why does she still have her kids?
I would laugh my ass off, if this shit didn`t hit close to home. My son said a word describing the male genitalia in lunchline. Which resulted in a visit by CPS, cause after all, when an autistic kid uses a word found in a dictionary, which a doctor would use (not urban TYVM), that HAS to mean he is being molested. BY ME. His mom. Yes, that happened. And what an coincidence. In Texas.
Those accusations happened years ago, and i still wanna punch motherfuckers out over it....
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs