It’s A Sad Day In The Enchanted Forest When A Love Affair Between A Gnome And A Giant Ends

May 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Usually the fairytale romance between a New York gnome and a Ukrainian ogre cannot be, but I had hopes that Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko would prove everybody wrong. They didn’t. The midget Kimber Henry and the Tom Thumb of Eastern Europe have announced that after two years of using free-standing ladders and a boost from strangers to kiss each other on the mouth, they have ended their relationship. Our only hope that troll and giant relations can last forever now solely lies on the shoulders of the Jolly Green Giant and his bottom ho Little Green Sprout.

The end of their love had nothing to do with the fact that Hayden was sick and tired of checking into a doll hospital to have her internal organs arranged in their correct positions every time she fucked on Wladmir. No, the problem was that while she’s flying all over the world as a route marker on the Amazing Race, Wladmir is in Europe, punching bitches in the face for a check. It was never going to work. Miss Lollipop Guild of 2011 gave this statement to People about their break up.

“Even though we’ve decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends.

Wladmir also released his own paragraph of words: “We had a great time together, but it’s not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents. I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we’ll keep our friendship even after the separation.”

This is a sad one for me. When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!

Hayden is obviously not crying over shit, because here she is hanging out with her friends, Pinata Tinkerbell and faceless Mona Lisa, in L.A. yesterday.

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